


The Broken Boy

by mychemicallyromance



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 00:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 29,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mychemicallyromance/pseuds/mychemicallyromance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard would always sit in the back of the classroom. He would always wear a hooded sweat shirt, and he would always keep quiet even if a teacher called on him. He would flinch all the time. He would do different things that made me question him constantly. I remember one time when we were in gym and it was time to change, Gerard refused. He kept pleading with the teacher not to mark him down for not cooperating, but the teacher did anyway. He failed gym that semester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, homies.
> 
> Okay so this story is mine. I'm re-writing it because I want to. 
> 
> My other stories will be updated. Promise! There's only a couple chapters in this story, but THERE IS VIOLENCE--NEW AND IMPROVED--AND OTHER HARSH THINGS.
> 
> IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SELF-HARM, PLEASE LEAVE. I LOVE YOU, STAY STRONG

After weeks of not knowing his name, I figured it out. His name was Gerard. I studied him. He was very, very off and I didn’t quite know at the time as to why. He was just off and different. There was something wrong with him, maybe. I don’t mean mentally or physically. He didn’t talk. If a teacher touched or talked to him, he’d panic.

Gerard would always sit in the back of the classroom. He would always wear a hooded sweat shirt, and he would always keep quiet even if a teacher called on him. He would flinch all the time. He would do different things that made me question him constantly. I remember one time when we were in gym and it was time to change, Gerard refused. He kept pleading with the teacher not to mark him down for not cooperating, but the teacher did anyway. He failed gym that semester.

Gerard was always drawing. He took art with me (and other sophomores) and he was the best in there. I was pretty sure he wasn’t failing classes in there. I was sure that everyone in that room was jealous or in love with his drawings. He could turn anything into art. He could make a clock, or the smelly, old teacher into something _beautiful_. Or, he could turn something happy into something depressing.

I knew Gerard was older than me, maybe by two or three years, at the most. I never knew the reason as to why he was held back to be with a bunch of sophomores. I felt bad for him. He shouldn’t be with us; he should have at least been a senior or graduated. The more he stayed here, the more he was picked on.

One day, as classes were changing, I walked into the boys’ bathroom. I looked around the room but my eyes landed on Gerard sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth. His wrist was in his lap and he was whispering something that I couldn’t quite hear.  I walked closer to him to spot a razor and blood on his wrist; it was lined with several cuts.

“Hey,” I had said softly. Gerard’s head snapped up and his eyes were wide. “Why did you do that?” I pointed to his wrist.

Gerard’s eyes were glossy and his cheeks were red, his eye lids were swollen, as well. His nose was runny, and his voice was clogged as he said, “Leave me alone. Go away.”

As I looked closer, I saw his jaw had a bruise; there were indigo finger marks on his wrists. Some of his teeth were chipped. There were finger marks on his neck; they were lined as if someone choked him. His fingernails were short. He was so much skinnier up close than in a distance.

“Gerard,” I said, crouching down to get even closer to him, “I may not know you, but tell me why you did this.”

 “I’m sorry,” he whimpered after a few minutes of dead silence. “Don’t hurt me for doing _this_.”

I froze. “Hurt you? Why would I hurt you, Gerard?”

“Everyone hurts me,” he whispered.

“Well, I won’t.”

After a few minutes, I soon realized that Gerard’s cuts were bleeding heavily. I jumped up and ran to the paper towels. I yanked out a couple of them and put pressure on his wounds. “Please, put pressure here,” I told him. “I need to get help, Gerard.”

“No!” he yelled. “Don’t!”

“I need to. Look, you’re bleeding heavily.”

Without waiting for a response for him, I walked out of the bathroom and to the student office. I walked up to the secretary’s desk. “How may I help you?” the secretary said.

“I need assistance in the bathroom,” I said quickly. “Is Mrs. Harris available?”

“Uh, I—I…don’t know—what’s going on in the bathroom?”

“Well…uh, there’s a boy in there and I found him cutting himself. His name is Gerard. I don’t know his last name.”

This alerted the woman. She jumped up from her desk, and she darted out of the room with me. She and I ran into the bathroom to see Gerard lying across the floor. There were more cuts on his other arm. I walked closer to him and I realized he was unconscious. He looked dead. But I knew that wasn’t.

“Call 911,” the secretary said. “Then, tell them where we are. Also, when you’re done, go get the principal.”

I pulled out my phone and I quickly dialed 911. I reached an operator as I was walking out of the bathroom, walking my way to the office. I told the operator what was going on, what was happening and what happened, where I was and the operator told me that people are on their way before hanging up.

When I reached the office, I ran inside and to the principal’s office. I yanked the door open and also explain everything. He ran out of his seat and ran with me to the bathroom. I could hear sirens already, and people gathering around the bathroom. I opened the doors for the EMTs when I saw them.

All of this seemed like a horror movie or something. It didn’t seem like reality, to be honest. Everything happened so fast after I opened those doors. The next thing I seen was Gerard being lifted into the ambulance and driven off.

“You did well, Frank,” the principal said. “You did very well.”

“You think?”

“I know you did.”

I looked around at all the other people gathered around. They were shocked. I could see the people who had bullied Gerard looking shocked. I don’t know what they were shocked at. Who was more shocking: me or Gerard?

I think we were both shocking.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short, and that it took me fOREVER to come back and write again. 
> 
> I kept getting distracted and schools being a dick, yo

When school ended, I walked to the hospital and I went inside. I walked up to the nurses’ desk to ask where Gerard was. They told me where he was and I went up to his room. When I went to his room, I noticed he was just looking out the window in his bed and that he was all alone.

 

“Hey,” I said. “How are you doing?”

 

“Just leave me alone, Frank,” he said. There wasn’t any emotion in his voice.

 

I walked closer and took a seat beside him. “You’re angry because I told?”

 

“No. I’m just sort of angry because you shouldn’t have saved me.”

 

 “Where are your parents?” I asked, ignoring his other statement.

 

“My dad’s in the cafeteria.” I nodded. A few minutes later, Gerard turned over when the door opened. “H-hello, Dad,” he stuttered out.

 

 

“Who is this?” Gerard’s dad said, pointing to me. 

 

“I’m Frank,” I said, “Nice to meet you, sir.”

 

“You, too,” Gerard’s father said, stiffly. 

 

I gave him a look but then turned my eyes back on Gerard. His face had…a look I wasn’t expecting. His face had a look of terror. He looked like he just saw a ghost, but what he was seeing wasn’t a ghost.

 

Why is he terrified of his dad?

 

“Gerard?” I whispered, tapping his arm when his father looked the other way.

 

Gerard looked at me. “W-what, Frank?” he whispered back.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I noticed how Gerard didn’t respond. He looked at his father when he sat down beside him, and he began to tremble when his father rubbed his head and hand. “Why, Gerard? Why did you do it?” his father asked.

 

“Ahh...um…,” Gerard said, trembling even more. “I don’t know.”

 

I just watched them silently. I could tell that they were both hiding something, and, considering I am a nosy person, I really wanted to find out what it is. I needed to know. It was a few minutes before Gerard’s father went outside. I sat straight up and looked Gerard in the eye. “Why did you do it?” I asked, pointing to his scars. “You never answered my question back in the bathroom.”

 

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before saying, “If I tell you, you can’t tell anyone, okay?”

I bit my lip. “Okay.”

 

He took a shaky, deep breath in again and said, “Someone hurts me. They make me feel…worthless, and make me feel empty. This just makes me feel alive for a few.”

 

“Who hurts you, Gerard?”

 

“My dad,” he whispered. 

 

It felt like a bomb went off and my stomach sunk to the ground, and my jaw dropped to the floor, as well. It felt like everything was going into pieces. It was like finding the last remaining piece of a puzzle that you lost. 

 

“How does he hurt you?” I asked.

 

“Everything,” he whispered again. “He does everything you can imagine.”

 

“Gerard…” I sighed. “You need—.”

 

“No, Frank, don’t even say it. I don’t need help! I’ve survived for at least…three years.”

 

“Three years? How could you?”

 

“I’m used to it. Once you get used to the pain, you don’t feel anything anymore,” he said. “Sometimes, you pretend to be somewhere else just to ignore what’s really going on.”

 

“Can I please help you?” I asked. “I could take you away from him.”

 

“No.”

 

“Why can’t I?”

 

“My brother never got help…so why should I?”

 

“Why didn’t your brother get help? What happened?”

 

“My dad kicked him out at the age thirteen.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah, so he’s probably dead…or who knows, Frank.”

 

“He probably got help, you know. Did he have friends?”

 

“Some, yes.”

 

“He probably got help from them.”

 

“Doubt it.”

 

“You never know…. When was the last time you saw him?”

 

“Three years ago.”

 

“Have you made any attempt to contact him?”

“No. I’m not allowed.”

 

“I’ll try and help you once you’re out of here, okay?”

 

“You’re going to try to help me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Thank you, Frank.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY IT'S SHORT!
> 
> I couldn't think of anything else and I don't wanna rush this story since I'm re-writing the original. Maybe there'll be more tonight but I'm sick and I gotta go to my doctor soon so

It took a while before Gerard was out of the hospital and the doctors warned his father and the school to keep a good eye on how he was doing. They had said if he was back into the hospital with those types of cuts, then they were to admit him to a mental facility. I had thought that was bogus and not very smart of them—considering he had been in one and it didn’t go too well from the story he told me.

“The mental institute wasn’t very fun,” he said as he we walked home from school with me.

“I would think that none of them are,” I said. “We’re they not nice?”

“The shrinks forced me to tell them my feelings when I wasn’t ready and they would force pills down my throat—literally, not even joking. It would hurt. They made me feel like I was insane, and when I didn’t do as told, they would put in the padded wall room….I didn’t like it, Frank. I don’t wanna go again.” I could tell there were tears formed in his eyes, and I wanted to reach out and hug him but I didn’t know how he would’ve reacted to the friendly affection.

“Did…your dad check you out of the place?”

Gerard shook his head. “No, our insurance ran out and wouldn’t continue to pay for me. I had to go home…but I eventually found out _his_ form of punishment was worse than the mental institute’s.”

“Can I ask you something, Gerard?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t know if this will upset you, but if it does, tell me…or slap me to shut me up, okay?”

Gerard chucked. “Okay.”

I took a deep breath. “How worse does it get?”

“Sometimes, it…it had gotten so bad that I couldn’t move…or another time I thought I had broken my arm. There was also a time where I bled badly.”

“I’m sorry.”

Gerard shook his head. “It’s not your fault, don’t be.”

“I wish I could do more to help you. I don’t know what it’s like to be hurting that way, and I feel bad. Is there anything I can do?”

“No.”

I sighed. “You want to come to my house to watch a movie?” I asked once I reached my house.

“Um….what-what type of movie?” he asked, nervously.

“I don’t know, maybe a comedy if you’re up to it. Or, if you wanna chose, you can.”

Gerard smiled. “Sure.”

Gerard and I walked inside my house, and I took him to the living room to choose the movies. I showed him our collection and he dug through it. I watched him as he concentrated and he was happy. I didn’t think he got many privileges back home…unless he did _things_.

“How about this one, Frank?” he asked couple of minutes later.

“I think that’s a very good choice.” He handed me the CD case and I brought it over to the CD player then I turned it on.

As we watched it, I noticed that he had a cute laugh and happiness was radiating off of him. He looked so happy that he could burst into tears at the same time. I knew that Gerard’s happiness would only last for an hour or even less. I wish he could always be happy, and I knew him for such a short time.

“Oh!” I said.

“W-what?” I said, startling him.

“We need to find your brother.”

“Can we finish this movie first, though?”

“Of course we can.”

We went back to the movie, and I turned to focus on the movie and not Gerard. But each time he laughed, I laughed and every time he smiled, I smiled. But once the movie was over, I got up and turned it off. I walked back over to the couch and turned so I could face Gerard, and then he turned to face me.

“Gerard,” I said, “I got a plan.”

“What is your plan?”

“You sketch him of what he looks like and we could put up signs that say “Have You Seen Him” things, you know?”

“I can try, but I’m not that very good a drawing.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it.”

“No it really is horrible drawings, Frank! There are pretty artists out there.”

“You’re in my art class, Gerard. I’ve seen your drawings and paintings.”

“But—”

“Ah...no. You’re good.”

Gerard scowled at me. “Whatever. Do you have paper?”

I nodded and gotten up to go get paper out of the office. When I came back, I saw Gerard on the phone. He was gnawing on his bottom lip and trying not to cry. He was sniffling and as I walked closer, the harsh words were loud enough to be heard out of the phone.

“ _Get home now, Gerard,” the voice said._

“I’m at a friend’s house, though,” Gerard said, his voice cracked.

_“Now, Gerard!” the voice yelled_

“Dad, just—”

_“I swear if I have to say it one more time, you’ll get it worse that what you already have.”_

“I’m coming.”

Gerard jumped up and grabbed all of his stuff while he muttered a quick “goodbye,” and left me there worried than I had ever been. I had never been so scared about him that I wanted to chase after him even though we barely knew each other. I felt as if I should’ve protected him and made him feel better. I felt like I should’ve never have him hurt again and know that a lot of people care about him, and not that everyone out there wanted to hurt him.

I knew that how hard the door slammed shut that my mom heard and I was right when she came running down the stairs. “What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I muttered and I sighed as I flopped back on the couch to do my homework. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.

“Alright, Sweetie, but just know that I’m here for you when you do feel like it, okay?”

“Okay, Mom, love you.”

“Love you, too.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's longer than the others so

I woke up on my own the next day and as soon as I woke up, I walked to my dresser to start getting ready for school. I walked to the bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror, then I started to strip so I could get in the shower. After I had taken a shower, I dressed and did my normal before-school routine, but when it was time to leave, I grabbed my backpack and left.

I arrived to the school and I immediately went to the bathroom to see if Gerard was there, but when he wasn’t I had to go inside my classroom and I waited for him. It only took a few minutes before he was walking inside. I looked at him and I noticed that he was hiding his face with his hair. I walked up to him and stood in his way so he couldn’t go to his seat.

“Gerard, look at me,” I had demanded.

“No,” he muttered and shook his head. “Move out of my way so I can sit down.”

I lifted his chin to make him look at me. “What happened?” I said horrified at the amount of bruises that were on his face and neck. “Did _he_ do that?” I felt rage building inside my body. I see the tears that were eyes. I knew the answer…he didn’t even speak.

“ _Yes_ ,” he whispered wretchedly. “Can I sit now?”

I nodded and moved out of his way. I looked closely at him again and I noticed that he was limping. “Gerard,” I said.

“What?” he said, he tried to wipe the tears out of his eyes and off his face.

“Did he hurt you in… _other_ places, too?”

He didn’t answer my question.

Again, I knew the question.

The amount of rage that was in my body was making me think that I was about to bust and thousands pieces of me were going to splatter the room. I also had thought there was steam coming out of my ears like in the cartoons. I reached up and pulled my hair. I had felt like I could punch the wall and I would’ve too if I didn’t think it would get my suspended from school. My anger issues were going to show.

I cursed slightly which made Gerard look up at me. “Frank,” he said sadly, “are you mad at me?”

I had felt my face heat up. “No,” I said, “not at you, at least. My anger isn’t directed towards you. It will never be.”

Gerard had let out a sigh of relief. “Then…w-why are you angry?”

I closed my eyes before I said, “I’m angry because of who hurts you.”

“I should’ve known. Stupid, _stupid_ ….” The last part was whispered, but I had heard what he said.

It’s what set me off because I was pretty sure he heard that insult many times and he was just repeating what _someone_ had told him. “You’re not stupid!” I had exclaimed, making him flinch.

“Frank, yes—.”

“Gerard, you’re not stupid!” But before I could even say anything more, the bell rang.

The teacher and the rest of the class walked in as I scowled and slouched in my chair.

During the entire lesson, I saw Gerard draw and sometimes write, but it wasn’t what was on the board either. It was some kid—I’m assuming it was his brother, there were facial features that were the same—and when he was writing, it was his thoughts but I couldn’t read exactly what he wrote considering he turned it when he noticed I was looking down at it.

 _Ask him about it after class_ , I thought to myself and slouched even more in my chair as I tried—and failed—to remember what we were even learning about. I could’ve sworn that it was about the French Revolution but then again, I’m not too sure. Whatever.

I yawned and got comfortable as I waited for the fifty-five minutes to hurry up, and then I had kept sneaking glances at Gerard to make sure he was okay. But he wasn’t…I don’t think he will ever be okay. All I saw was a broken boy with his heart shattered and that was forced back inside his chest.

After what seemed like hours, the class ended and I jumped out of my seat and went to Gerard. “What were you writing?” I asked while we were walking out of the classroom.

“It was just…just…nothing,” he said.

“If it’s nothing, then can I see it?”

“Why do you want to see it?”

“I’m a nosy person, I wanna see.” I pouted and he cracked a sideways smile.

“I…Frank, it’s just really nothing worth seeing.”

“Let me see, please.”

“The things on here you’re gonna deny.” He pulled it out and gave it to me.

_List of Things I Hate About My Life and Myself:_

_-How fat I am_

_-I’m stupid_

_-My life sucks_

_-My brother is gone and probably dead_

_-No one LOVES me_

_-I’m ugly_

“Gerard…,”I sighed as I read the list on the paper. “None of this is true.”

“See I knew you were gonna say that.”

“Hear me out, okay?”

“Okay, but what do you have to say?”

“First, you’re not fat—”

“Yes—.”

“Sh! No you’re not, and two, I’ve already been over that.” I had held up another finger. “Just because your life sucks now doesn’t mean it will always suck, okay? And four, we don’t know that yet—I’m still going to help you find him and five, I like you and you’re now my friend…for like, ever, okay?” He chuckled at my last statement. “Also…you’re not ugly; please don’t be mean to yourself. It’s not worth it. You’re being a bully to yourself, and I know it hurts you.”

Gerard bit his lip before saying, “You’re really my friend?”

I had chosen not to show the hurt because he ignored my other comment about being a bully. “Yes.”

He smiled and it was a very good smile, it showed me his teeth and it had made me see his eyes twinkle a bit.

After a few minutes passed, he said, “Want to come over my house?”

“Sure,” I automatically had said. Maybe I could have a word with his father.

Gerard closed his eyes and scrunched up his face before he said, “Don’t…don’t say anything, okay?”

“Okay, fine.” I nodded, and then I said, “Lead the way to your house.”

**XXX**

On our walk I figured out that Gerard was into the same type of music as me, but rarely got to hear it. He liked to paint—I already knew that—and he learned how to from his grandma, but when his grandma passed away, he only got more inspired to do it more and continue as to not disappoint her.

“She said ‘continue even if I’m gone and if you really like it’ and…I did,” he had told me after finishing his story. “I really like it.”

“I can tell,” I said. “How old were you when you started to paint and draw?”

“Um, well…I think maybe around four or five, dunno.” He shrugged. “I wish I was as good as her, though,” he sighed.

“Stop downing yourself,” I said gently. “No one can be as good as someone else, trust me.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know I’ll never be as good as my father or grandfather at the guitar or drums.”

“You play?” he said, excitement in his voice.

“Yeah, and I’ve been practicing since I was twelve or younger, maybe.”

“Could I hear you play sometime? Please?” he asked.

“Of course,” I said, smiling even though I was nervous at people listening to me play my guitar.

When we reached his house, I noticed that his happiness faltered and eventually went away as he opened the gate then walked inside. I walked beside him as he unlocked his door. When he opened his door, he shushed me and tip-toed inside. I noticed his father was asleep with a beer inside his hand. I rolled my eyes at the worthless human being and began to follow Gerard upstairs to his room.

His room was very small but it was littered with ripped up paper and busted panting canvases. I looked at his bed and I had seen the sheets were ripped off, and the dresser was moved slightly away from the wall.

“Um,” Gerard coughed, and it had me breaking from my thoughts. “S-sorry it’s a mess…. I forgot it was like this.”

“Its fine, mine can be worse sometimes, it’s okay.” I half-smiled at him.

“What do you wanna do?”

“Dunno, what do _you_ wanna do?”

He shrugged. “Do homework together—sorry, I suck…I haven’t had company since I was small.” He laughed nervously and had begun to scratch at his arm. I gently took his hands away from his arm and sat them on the bed.

“Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Gerard looked down, ashamed, and said, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I looked at the nasty red marks and I shook my head. “It’s just…not worth hurting yourself.” He just sighed. “Hey, who’s that?” I pointed to the picture sitting on his dresser.

“That’s my mom…and me before she died.”

I nodded. “She kinda looks like you.”

Gerard giggled. “She looks like Mikey more,” he said with a sigh.

“I saw you in class drawing, can I see?” Gerard nodded, pulling a piece of paper out of his bag. I looked at it and Mikey really did look like their mom, and I saw how alike Mikey is to Gerard. There were some similarities in them: their chin, lips, but their head shapes weren’t and he also had glasses. Gerard’s hair was black and Mikey’s was mousy-brown, but Gerard told me he dyed his hair so that’s why it wasn’t like Mikey’s anymore. “This is a very nice sketch,” I said after a while.

“Do you think this’ll work, Frank? Do you think that we’re going to be—?” Before he could finish, the door swung open and I saw Gerard’s father walk in. He looked at me and I looked at him.

“Frank, I think it’s time to go home. I need to have a word with Gerard….”

I didn’t like the tone in his voice.

“Dad, can—?” Gerard tried to ask.

“No.”

But—.”

“No. Frank needs to go home—go home, Frank.”

“See you later, Frank…,” Gerard said miserably.

“See you later, Gerard.”

I walked out of the house. I wished I didn’t.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey how are you guys

I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore because of the panic attack I was in as I walked home. I kept thinking of all the worst things that could be happening in that house. I couldn’t even walk straight considering my vision was blurry and I couldn’t help but let tears out of my eyes. I had felt weak and I shouldn’t have been crying. But I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t even known Gerard that long but yet I felt like I should’ve protected him and save him from the monster that hurts him. No one should’ve hurt someone as fragile as Gerard was—someone that was as perfect as Gerard.

I didn’t notice as I had walked to my house that I was there until my hand had touched the door’s handle. I twisted the handle and I opened the door, and I saw my mom on the couch watching TV. I walked past the couch and to my room, and I went to my room to sit on my bed. I lied down on the bed and just stared at the ceiling as I thought of anything that I should do to help Gerard. I couldn’t think of a single thing that would save him besides take him away from that house, but I can’t consider it’s against the law to just get him against his will. But…that’s the only way.

I didn’t notice the door’s handle twisting and my mother poking her head in the door. “Hey,” she said, “Gerard’s at the door.”

I jumped up and ran out the room in a heartbeat. I ran to the door and opened it up to have Gerard come inside. I pulled him to my room and when we were inside, I looked at his face to see if there is anything wrong.

“Where…where did he hurt you?” I asked frantically.  I looked at Gerard’s lightless eyes and saw his gaze was unfocused. There was no recognition that he had heard me. He was stuck somewhere inside his head. “Gerard!” I said, slightly louder.

“What?” he asked, slowly.

“Where did _he_ hurt you?”

Gerard bit his lip and looked in my eyes. I could tell that he had a difficult time telling me what his father had done to him. But finally, after a while, I understood.

His father raped him.

I was stupid—I should’ve known by the change of pants Gerard wore. They weren’t the same blue, baggy jeans he wore to school. They were dirty, stained in the knees and ripped, as well. They looked like they weren’t even washed in days. But I stepped back to take a further look at Gerard. I took a look at his hoodie and I noticed it was slightly lopsided. I fixed it and I looked up at Gerard as he smiled slightly. What caught my eyes is a scratch mark near his right eye and that his face was red from him crying, probably.

“Come sit on the bed and tell me what happened,” I said softly. Gerard nodded and sat down. “Do you want me to sit down on the bed with you or no?”

“I don’t mind,” he said, his voice monotone.

I sat down across from Gerard as he told me what happened.

When I left his house, his father had attacked him and thrown him on the bed. His father’s breath was breathing on his neck and Gerard had said that he tried to roll over to get out from underneath of his father but his father was stronger than him and straddled his hips and pinned his wrist above his head. Gerard said that at the point the tears wouldn’t stop and he couldn’t help but scream as his father had stripped them both quickly. He noticed no one was coming for him—exactly what his father told him as his father had shoved himself inside Gerard. There was no prepping at all.

“It hurt—it hurt worse than anything, Frank,” Gerard said, silent tears were streaming down his pale but then red face. “I’m still sore, and it’s embarrassing to tell anyone this! I can’t believe I am. Why am I sharing this stuff?” The last sentence seemed to have been just for him and not towards me.

I felt like I should’ve answered anyway. “Sometimes, a person needs to vent and get what’s bothering them out of their system. I’m always here, Gerard. I hope you know that.”

“Really?” he said, disbelievingly.

“Of course, I’m here forever and I’ll never judge you.”

“You promise?” I had nodded. “Thank you so much, Frank. You have no clue how much that means to me.”

“I hope I can always be here to listen,” I whispered. _I hope I can be the one to save you,_ I thought but didn’t say. _I hope I can be the one that will show you real love._

I didn’t expect Gerard to hug me but when he did, it felt nice. It felt like I could feel the pain radiating off of his body and happiness coming back. But soon it’ll all end like all good things for him. And I was right only few minutes after. My mom told me that it’s getting late and Gerard needed to go home.

“Come back after fifteen minutes and knock on this window,” I whispered once my mom left and showed him the window near my bed. Gerard nodded and left after saying a respectful goodbye to my mom and me.

I ate dinner after he left but I swallowed it quickly before going back to bed to wait for Gerard. I waited for minutes but they seemed like hours. I noticed that when fifteen minutes turned into twenty, that he wasn’t here yet, then when twenty turned to thirty, that he wasn’t coming back. He was stuck at his house doing only God knows what. I felt like I should walk out of this house but I knew if I did, then my mother would catch on to what I was doing and I would be grounded.

I looked out my window and saw that it was raining. The sky was crying just like I was doing now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey another update

I was lying there for three hours as I was worrying about Gerard. I couldn’t walk over there and expect not getting into trouble. I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried taking my mind off of it and thinking of something else, but it just went back to Gerard and how he must be in trouble. But, after a while, I got the courage to sneak out of the house considering I was sick and tired of being paranoid and worrying too much.

I climbed out of my bed and I slipped my shoes on my feet and I slipped on my jacket. I climbed out my window. I walked to the front of the house before running to Gerard’s house. I looked around the backyard until I spotted the window that was in Gerard’s room. I walked up to the window and knocked lightly until Gerard looked at the window, then when he realized it was me, he opened it with a questioningly look as I climbed inside.

“Gerard,” I whispered.

“What?”

“I’ve got a plan.”

“A…a plan?” he had said, confused.

“You’re going to live at my house and we’re going to report your dad.” When those words were out of my mouth, Gerard he started shaking his head fast. “Why are you saying no?”

“I can’t go.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Do you have any idea of what my dad will do to me when he notices I’m gone?”

I took a deep breath. “He doesn’t know where I live. Throw your phone away and pack your stuff. I’ll explain _some_ things to my mom tomorrow if she asks, okay?”

He bit his lip. “Fine, Frank.” He hugged me before going to get his school bag and stuffing things in his bag. It took him ten minutes before we ran out and ran to my house. We climbed through my window and to my bed. Gerard was shaking visibly and crying.

“Gerard, what’s wrong?”

“I’m scared!”

“Sh, don’t be scared, okay? It’s going to be okay, I promise you.”

After two hours of comforting him, he finally had fallen asleep and he fell asleep in my arms. I had noticed how sweet and innocent he looked no matter how older he was than me. To me, it really hadn’t mattered. I didn’t care that he was two years older than me and not the same age. I still felt I was protective of him. I felt like that I could’ve helped him.

I felt a sleep after a while.

**XXX**

I had woken up to a knock on my door and I had turned over but then I noticed Gerard wasn’t in my arms. He was on the other side of the room rocking back and forth while crying. I got up and answered the door.

“What, mom?” I had said. “What do you need?”

“You don’t have school today; I just wanted to tell you.” I nodded and before closing the door, she said, “Why is…Gerard here and crying?”

“I’ll explain in a little bit.” She nodded and left. I walked over to Gerard and crouched until I was face to face with Gerard. “Tell me what’s wrong,” I whispered.

“I’m scared. I can’t do this anymore, Frank.” Gerard looked up at me and the tears that were streaming down his face were the pain that he was feeling. I saw how much pain he was in and how there was no color in his eyes. I could tell he was dying inside and the pain was eating him alive. “I don’t think I can keep living in doubt, in paranoia or pain anymore. I shouldn’t be here anymore if I’m just going to keep feeling this.”

“Sh, don’t talk like that. You deserve to be here, Gerard. No matter what you feel, no matter what you feel like _now_ , it will get better. It will get better in the long run—you’ll see and I’ll help you get there.”

“I don’t think I will because everywhere I look and every time I close my eyes, I see his face and what he does. I see myself. It’s terrifying. I can’t do it anymore, Frank. I think the only way out is to die.”

“Sh! No, no, you can get out of this sadness and to happiness with work, okay? Trust me. Please.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t know, but trust me. No one can be sad forever.”

“I’ll try.”

“We can also try and find your brother today, if you like.” Gerard nodded. “Let’s eat breakfast and we’ll get started, but…I have to explain to my mom why you’re here.”

“Are you going to tell her everything?”

“No, not everything if you don’t want me to since it’s your business.”

“I don’t mind….”

“Gerard, it’s your choice.”

“Can you tell her? I don’t think I can.”

“Sure, let’s go eat and we’ll tell her.”

“Okay.” I helped Gerard up and led him to the kitchen.

“What would you like for breakfast?” I asked. “We have…cereal, toast…fruit…um, vegetarian stuff.”

“I don’t mind—whatever you’re having, I’ll have.”

“I’ll have cereal, what kind do you want?” Gerard shrugged and I sighed. “You can choose, Gerard. It’s your choice.”

“Fine, I’ll have…that marshmallow cereal. Please.”

“Good choice,” I said while I poured it in to two bowls. When I had finished, I walked to the table with our breakfast and started to eat.

“Hey,” my mom had said as she walked into the kitchen.

“Mom,” I had started, “I need to explain something’s.”

My mom nodded and sat down. “Explain to me, then.”

I closed my eyes and told her everything that I knew about Gerard. I told her censored versions of his story as to not embarrass Gerard all that much. I don’t know how much he wanted me to say but eventually I was finished and I opened my eyes to see that Gerard was sitting there sobbing.

“That’s why he’s staying he,” I had said when I was finished.

My mom took a deep breath. “I think you’re being a very good friend, Frank,” she told me, and then she turned to Gerard. “Gerard, I think you should tell someone who…can actually take your…your father away from you and save you—there’s only so much Frank and I can do, I hope you know that.”

Gerard nodded. “I do, but…what if they take me away?”

“I don’t think they will. How old are you?”

“I’m eighteen.”

“They won’t, you’re an adult.”

Gerard sighed and I turned to face him as I whispered, “I’ll see if you can stay here.”

“What’s with the whispering?” my mom had questioned.

“I-I was wondering if Gerard could stay here?”

“I don’t mind if he does.”

“Thank you so much, mom.”

“You’re welcome.”

I hugged my mom before cleaning mine and Gerard’s bowls when we had finished. I took him back upstairs and we sat down. Gerard took out the paper that had held the portrait of his brother and he had written “Have You Seen Me” at the top. I was so focused on what he was doing that I was startled when Gerard kissed me.

“Gerard…” I said, shocked. “You—”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be continued, of course


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey another update today

I had been stuck on words and I was only thinking of the kiss. I had thought of how early starting a relationship with Gerard. It’s too soon to start anything romantic and I didn’t think he fully trusts me. I didn’t think he realized what he wanted to get into at the time. I couldn’t have risked getting into a relationship with Gerard only knowing him for a couple of days. It’s too risky and I barely know him. What if his kisses were a thank you and not love?

“You can’t do that, Gerard,” I had eventually said. I felt bad after I had said that because of the face Gerard had made. He had looked like a puppy and I kicked him. Maybe even stole his ball.

“Why can’t I?” he mumbled.

“It’s…it’s too early to start anything, Gerard.”

“But—”

I had shaken my head. “It can’t happen this early, Gerard—we both know that. I don’t know how much you trust me and I’m scared of hurting you.”

“But…Frank, you won’t. I trust you because I know you care—can we try?”

“I don’t think so.”

Gerard looked down at his lap and he had muttered a quiet ‘okay’ before he had fallen silent. He stared at the window and at the rain that was pitter-pattering on the windowsill. I could tell that he was inside his head. I could tell that he wanted me to say yes or kiss him back, but I had stuck to my answer.

“Gerard,” I said when I had noticed tears.

“What, Frank?” he whispered.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to explain, Frank. I understand.”

I sighed. “I just…I don’t want to risk anything,” I had mumbled.

“Sometimes, taking a risk can be good.”

He had a point but I was still torn because I knew it was too early to even start a relationship. I’ve never had a relationship start that early. I had wondered whether he only started to have a crush on me considering I’m helping him and practically saving his life or does he _truly_ like me. I couldn’t decide so I had given up. I had let everything play out.

XXX

 

The entire day went by fast and when it was bedtime, Gerard had climbed near the wall and lay down on the bed. I climbed beside him and turned off the lamp beside my bed before closing my eyes. I covered us up and finally we fell asleep but the sleep seemed like it didn’t last that long because the next thing I knew was the sunshine was bothering my eyes.

I groaned as I sat up and looked to the side where Gerard normally laid down at. He wasn’t there and I heard movements in my bathroom. I assumed that he was in there using the bathroom so I had waited for him to come out, but I got suspicious when I heard a hissing noise and a choking noise. I walked closer to the door and I opened it. I didn’t really know what I expected to see when I opened the door, but what I did see made me realize it wasn’t a surprise.

Gerard was sitting in the bathtub with a bloody razor in his hand and he had tears down his face. There were multiple cuts on his wrist and some on his thighs since he was in his boxers. That’s when I noticed there were old ones there too. I had felt like I couldn’t help him and he was beyond repair at this point but that didn’t mean I wanted to give up.

“Gerard,” I whispered. “Why?”

“Leave me alone,” I had said through clenched teeth. He began to slice again quickly as I had watched him.

“Stop it!” I snapped at him. I never had raised my voice so far at him.

Gerard jumped slightly and whimpered. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly.

I sighed. “Stay there and I’ll help you clean yourself up.” I left the bathroom and went to get a towel then I went back to the bathroom. I went inside and helped Gerard clean up the cuts. I threw away the razor and ignored his protests. I had to remind myself to take out the trash. I didn’t know how desperate he is to be able to cut. Once all the blood was dried and gone, I got Band-Aids to stop the bleeding. Gerard laughed when I put Superman on all of his cuts.

“What’s so funny about Superman?” I had questioned, laughing myself.

He shook his head before saying, “I sorta miss watching him.”

“I have the movies; maybe we can watch them today.”

Gerard hugged me. “That sounds awesome. But what I really want is to find my brother. I miss him. I think about him all the time.”

“I know, but I need you to tell me why you did this….”

Gerard looked ashamed. “I did it because of the terrors, because of him, because I feel unwanted, worthless, ugly, stupid, and I wished I could’ve had the guts to run away long time ago. I never thought about it at the time. I feel so stupid.”

“Sh, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“It’s hard when you already know it.”

“Gerard, you’re not ugly, you’re not worthless, and you’re not unwanted! I want you as my friend.”

“I’m sorry.” He looked truly sorry. “I shouldn’t have done it. Don’t…don’t hurt me.”

“I won’t ever hurt you. I will never, _ever_ lay a hand on you.”

“You won’t?”

“No.”

“I wish I could thank you more than just say the words.”

“You don’t have to because I already understand how thankful you really are, Gerard.”

“I know…but still.”

Gerard sighed. “C’mon, let’s figure out how to find your brother.”

“What if this doesn’t work?”

“It will.”

“I’m so scared….”

“Why?”

“What if my dad sees me going around asking people?”

“He won’t because I’ll make sure of it. I’m going to protect you for a very long time.”

“Thank you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi

We were talking about how we should do this if we spot his dad. I had told him to wear a hood from his hoodie and not to speak to anyone even if he is spoken to. He agreed and we set off after I told my mom where we were going. She was very apprehensive about it but she eventually agreed because she knew we were doing something good. She also knew that I wouldn’t get Gerard into danger. I began to love Gerard even after only a short time…but I still knew it was too early to start a relationship with him considering of the condition he was in and because we barely knew each other to even be in one. I had to keep reminding myself to not rush into anything because it was for the better. And, even though it was just yesterday, I remember the feel of Gerard’s lips on mine. It had felt good, but still it was too early.

Eventually, we arrived into town where it was busy. I went to the local park to see that children and parents were there. I had walked up to the closest person there and I took the picture of Gerard’s brother and shown the woman. I had asked her if she had seen him, but, unfortunately, she had shaken her head. I sighed and moved onto the next person. I noticed, but only after a while, I saw that Gerard was shaking that it had been out of nervousness. For a brave moment, I had taken a hold of his hand. He looked at me and he showed me his tiny-teeth smile. I smiled back at him and we began to walk until we found another person. I found myself smiling the entire time we walked and talked to each person there.

“Frank,” Gerard said after an hour, “I don’t think he’s alive anymore.” The last statement broke my smile and my heart.

“Gerard, don’t get that attitude. You don’t know that.”

“Frank, look, it’s been _two_ years. He was young. We’re in Jersey. Do you know how dangerous it is here?”

“Of course I do, but…you never know. You have to have hope, Gerard. Just a little bit of hope can help you be motivated to find him.” Gerard had huffed. “You want to continue the search?”

Gerard had rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

We kept going and by the time it was dark, we were ready to give up. I had a feeling in the bottom of my stomach that maybe Gerard was right and that Mikey wasn’t here anymore. That he was dead. But I couldn’t keep that attitude if I wanted to help him find Mikey. I couldn’t let myself show my emotions if I wanted to be the strong one and not the weak one. Two people who are weak can never be together or trust each other. I didn’t want him to notice that I was worried that he was right, but if he asked, then I couldn’t lie to him and break his heart only later. I would never want to break his heart.

I knew that in four hours we had to be home but since it was only four at the time, I continued our search. I was determined even though I had doubt. I couldn’t let Gerard be depressed even more. I didn’t like that he was sad and almost dead it seemed. I can’t stand the sadness in his eyes and the monotone voices, and the random outbursts of tears that had streamed down his face. I couldn’t do it anymore but I had forced myself to got give up on him. I forced myself to keep helping him get past a barrier of sadness. I _need_ to be there for him even if it’s hard work.

“I’m tired,” Gerard had said through a yawn.

“Me too, but let’s keep going. Just for a little bit more, yeah?” Gerard shrugged.

Eventually, minutes turned to hours and Gerard spoke out again, “Let’s check the graveyard.”

“Why?” I asked.

“There—there are only two reasons. One, Mikey used to go there when he was upset and two, well…you know.”

I took a deep breath. “Are…are you sure?” Gerard nodded. “Fine, then. Let’s go.”

I had taken a hold of Gerard’s hand again and we walked to the graveyard where Gerard told me to go to. I closed my eyes and had taken a deep breath before following Gerard. He walked me to the grave stone where it was written on. I looked at the name and the name was “Donna Way” and I had heard Gerard take a deep breath before letting it out. I looked up at him and I noticed he was biting his lip and trying not to cry. He was starting to squeeze my hand tightly and he took another deep breath but he didn’t let this one out immediately. I could feel him tense but then stop moments after. I turned around and hugged him. I could then start to hear him cry softly. It was painful to hear it.

“I miss her,” he had said. “I miss my mom, Mikey, and my grandma so, _so_ much.”

“I know you do.”

“It’s pathetic that I still need my mom, isn’t it? I’m an adult…I shouldn’t.”

“Everyone wants their mom every once in a while.”

“But I’m an _adult_ , Frank.”

“So?”

“It’s embarrassing that I need my mom.”

“No it’s not.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m very sure, Gerard.”

After I said that, the tears didn’t stop. It just made it worse but I knew that he had only needed to get them out of his system. He needed a hug, he needed affection and that’s what I was giving him as I comforted him. But what I wasn’t expecting was the rain to start raining down upon us. It felt like it was right timing, maybe. I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn’t.

 _Too early_ , I had reminded myself. _But is it a risk that maybe I should take?_

“Gerard,” I had barely whispered.

“Yes?” He looked at me and I pushed up on my tip-toes to make our lips connect briefly. “Frank, I thought—.”

I shook my head. “I’m risking it.”

“But you said it’s—.”

“Gerard?”

That voice wasn’t mine.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol this is longer than i have ever written for this.

 

Gerard squeezed my hand before turning around. He clenched his eyes as he muttered, “Please be real,” then opened them. I seemed I had done the same as him. When I opened my eyes, I saw Mikey. He looked sort of different from the picture Gerard drew of him, but that was okay considering Gerard hadn’t seen him in two years.

“Gerard?” Mikey said again. Mikey seemed to be flabbergasted just as Gerard was and surprisingly, I was too. “Is that really you?”

Gerard nodded. “Yeah,” he had whispered. “This doesn’t seem real—is this even real?” He closed his eyes again.

“Yes, Gerard, it is real,” I told him. “Mikey is really here.”

“I’ve had dreams similar to this and when I would wake up, he’d always be gone, this…this—.” Gerard jumped when he felt Mikey touch his shoulder.

“It’s real and I’m here.” Mikey looked at me and then back at Gerard.

“Where _were_ you? Where did you go?” Gerard said. “This…how—how did you survive?”

Mikey looked down. “I found a place to stay, but I was always trying to find you.”

Gerard shook his head. “I never left the house unless it was to go to school! Why didn’t you go to school?”

“They didn’t think it was safe.”

“Who are _they_?”

“Pete’s parents, they told me to do homeschooling.”

Gerard fully opened his eyes and took a good look at Mikey. Gerard looked at how healthy Mikey seemed to be. “You look healthy than the last time I saw you.”

“Yeah, I know.” Mikey bit his lip. “Are you away from the house? Did you escape?”

Gerard shrugged. “Kind of…. I’m with Frank.” Gerard had pointed to me. “This is Frank.”

“Hi Frank,” Mikey said.

“Hello,” I had said back. “I’ve been taking care of Gerard.”

“Good.”

I nodded. “How about we go back to my house before it gets dark?” I had suggested.

Mikey took a deep breath. “I…I have to tell Pete’s parents, Frank. It’s not like I just gather my stuff without a goodbye.”

“I understand, but wouldn’t you like to stay with Gerard for at least the night?”

Mikey nodded. “Let me text them and we’ll go if they say yes.” Mikey had sent a text to them and only seconds later they responded. “They said yes.”

I nodded before I led them to my house. Gerard still had a hold of my hand as he chatted with Mikey. I could tell that Gerard wanted to hug Mikey but Gerard had refrained from doing so. He didn’t want to seem awkward after just seeing his brother. I didn’t understand at the time. If I didn’t see a certain person that I grew up with for two years, I would hug them tightly and never let them go. I would tell them they couldn’t leave anymore. But I didn’t know how their relationship even worked, so I didn’t but in. I stayed quiet as I listened to them talk.

Gerard stopped dead in his track and I didn’t realize it until I was yanked backwards. I looked at Gerard as he looked at forward. I didn’t understand what he was looking at but when I looked to where he was looking, I swallowed harshly. I had felt Gerard trembling hands in mine. I looked to Mikey as I had seen him scowling. Right in front of us was the man who had been hurting Gerard.

“Hey Gerard,” he said. “And oh, I see you found Mikey.”

I took a deep breath as I tried to control my anger that was building up inside me. I had felt like I was going bust and I squeezed my eyes shut. I clenched my teeth and I yelled, “Go away,” to the man who I wanted to hurt and _murder_. I’ve been in fights before and I’ve done alright. Despite my small stature, I could pound a guy’s face in.

“I missed you, Gerard,” he said.

“Go before I pound your face in!” I growled. “Go!”

“Aw, why should I go? Gerard didn’t even say goodbye. I was worried about him.”

“Worried? That’s a lie! You weren’t worried about his safety, you were worried about him not being your toy,” I seethed. “It’s not like I don’t know what you do to him. He tells me, and he tells me everything that you have _done_!”

“Gerard, is that true? I thought you liked what we do…,” his father had said, faking hurt.

“You’re sick.” I shook my head.

“Aw, saving him, aren’t ya?”

“Of course I am!” I screamed. “All you do is torture him. Do you see what he does to himself? He hurts and all you do is rape him, molest him. How _messed_ up are you? Did your mommy play with your penis as a child? Did she mess up your world as a kid?  Did your _father_?”

“You little—.” Before he could finish the sentence, I punched him. He fell backwards and I jumped up on top of him. I kept swinging and swinging until I got tired.

“Do you feel the _hurt_ that Gerard feels every time you touch him or hit him yet?” I seethed. “I don’t think you have.”

“Get off me, punk!”

“No!” Behind me, I could hear Gerard crying softly. He was scared. “Look at your _sons_ , and tell me what you see!” I told him as I got up.

“All I see is a bunch of fag—.”

“You finish that word and I swear to God you will never see the light of day again.” I took a deep breath. “Say sorry—sincerely—and I won’t beat you ‘til a pulp. When you say sorry, you better take your sorry ass inside that house. If you _ever_ see him again, never lay your hand on him. Understand?”

“I ain’t sayin’ sorry to a worthless human being, but I will go inside.”

“ _Excuse_ me? Did you just say what I think you said? Did you just say worthless human being to Gerard?”

“Yeah, and I don’t regret it,” he said, as he had to try to stop the blood that was flowing from his nose.

“You’re the worthless human being, get that right next time, idiot. Your sons aren’t worthless.”

“I ain’t an idiot.” He turned to Gerard with a menacing finger. “Your momma should’ve aborted you two, but yet she told me to give you a chance. When she died, it was your entire fault.” Gerard choked back a sob and started to hiccup. “Stop your blubbering, faggot.”

“Really? You’re calling _him_ the faggot when you’re the one who rapes him?!”

“You like him, don’t ya?”

“I have no idea where this is going, but yes, I do like your son.”

“I bet you can’t wait to stick your dick in Gerard—.”

“Not only are you sick, but you’re twisted. I would never do that to him.”

“Maybe he’ll be beggin’ for it one day. You’re a guy, Frank. Guys have needs too.”

“That doesn’t mean anything, you sick, twisted bastard.” Gerard’s father walked closer to me. “Go inside that house before I shove my foot so far up your ass.”

“Whatever floats your boat.” I didn’t expect Gerard to come close to me but when he did; his father got closer and stroked his cheek. “I’ll see you soon, _son_ ,” he had chuckled.

Gerard and Mikey’s father had gone back inside his house. I had felt angry still and I had felt I could scream to the Heavens, but I didn’t want to scare Gerard even more than he already was. I had felt at how bad he was shaking. He wasn’t crying, but I could tell that any moment he would be. I had decided to just go home before anything bad could happen. I noticed Mikey’s hand was in Gerard’s, as well. We walked to my house and when we arrived, we walked inside.

Luckily, my mother wasn’t near us when we walked inside but I had whispered to Gerard to go upstairs as I had to tell my mom that we had found Mikey and that he was staying the night. I walked Mikey into the kitchen where she was at.

“Mom,” I said.

“Yes, dear?” she said, she was distracted by fixing dinner.

“We found Mikey.”

“You—.” She looked up. “You’re Mikey?” she had asked Mikey.

Mikey nodded. “Yes.”

“You two look alike.”

“Not by much, but by some.”

My mom had nodded. “Yeah and…when dinner’s finished, you boys can eat up whenever, okay?”

“Yeah, ma,” I told her before I had walked Mikey back upstairs. I knew not to leave Gerard alone for too long.

When we walked to my room and we went inside, we saw Gerard rocking back and forth on my bed. Mikey and I walked slowly to him before we both sat on the bed. At the same time, Mikey and I hugged him. Mikey was rubbing his back and I was doing the same. Gerard was sobbing and it had felt like they were being torn out of him. I had known that they were painful. The painful tears were the worst for him considering they were the ones where he would danger himself. I had known it would a very long night and I was okay with staying up just to watch Gerard. I hadn’t cared that I would lose sleep. I hadn’t cared to give him anything in the entire world just to see Gerard peaceful from this ugly nightmare. I would give Gerard my life just to see him happy.

I hadn’t realized Mikey was started to cry but he was holding back so I decided not to mention it. I pulled back and I saw that Gerard was just staring at the wall behind me. He had an unfocused gaze and it had felt like he wasn’t there. He had felt like a statue. He was stuck in his mind again.

“Gerard,” I whispered.

“What,” he had said, monotone was in his voice.

“Lie down and relax, okay?” He had obeyed. “Are you hungry?”

Gerard had shaken his head. “No.”

I had nodded. “Okay, are you still tired?” Gerard had nodded. “Okay, just sleep.”

Mikey and I had lain beside Gerard, and we both ran our fingers through his hair. I had noticed it was greasy but I didn’t care. I didn’t trust him in the shower but I had known that he should take one soon. I wasn’t very fond of stinky people, but even then, I wasn’t going to shove him out of my bed. I wouldn’t want to break his fragile, already broken heart.

When I noticed he was asleep, Mikey and I slowly sat up. I looked down at Gerard then I looked at Mikey before I got up off the bed. I asked Mikey if he was hungry and he nodded. I had gone downstairs by myself to get us food. I had slowly walked up the stairs and opened the door. I gave Mikey his food as I had sat down to eat my own. As Mikey and I ate, it was silent. It was comfortable, though. I think we were just too scared to talk to wake Gerard up. But eventually, when Mikey started to yawn, I broke the silence.

“You can sleep by Gerard,” I whispered. “I’ll sleep on the floor. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, you haven’t seen him in a very long time. Sleep beside him. It could mean a lot.”

“Thank you, Frank, but wouldn’t it be uncomfortable to sleep there?”

I shook my head. “No, I’ll be fine.”

Mikey nodded. “Okay, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Mikey.”

“Hey, Frank?” Mikey said.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for making sure he was safe.”

“You’re welcome.”

I heard a sniffle but I ignored it because I knew it wasn’t Gerard. I knew it was Mikey and I had already noticed at that moment he didn’t like showing his emotions. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I knew that the tears weren’t from sadness but yet they were from happiness because he finally had his brother, Mikey finally confirmed that Gerard was alive but yet he was hurt. I knew that as time went by, Gerard would be okay. Gerard would be just fine. He wouldn’t be the broken person that I had found him in.

I knew that he would have been okay.

But it wasn’t until three in the morning that I was wrong by the scream Gerard let out. He screamed for help but he was still in a deep sleep. Mikey and I tried to wake him up but he wouldn’t. Tears had been going down his face. They finally stopped when his bloodshot eyes snapped open.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys like this one

“Gerard?” I had said as I had tried to get his attention. “Gerard, stop—stop screaming! Tell us what happened.” I walked over to him and I sat down as me and Mikey ran our fingers through his hair. I kept shushing him and telling it was okay, but he had to tell me what happened in his nightmare.

“C’mon, Gerard, you can tell us,” Mikey whispered.

Gerard was trembling and he was no longer screaming nor was he crying. He was just staring and I could tell that he was somewhere inside his head. He was figuring out what to say and how he should form his words.

He let out a shaky breath before saying, “You were dead.” There was no emotion inside his voice. It was monotone and he was no longer inside his head or crying. He was just looking at me. He looked bored. “You died by the hands of _him_ ,” he said after a while.

“How did I die, Gerard?” I had asked.

“Father found me and you kissing,” he said with a slight blush. “You tried pushing him away to protect me when he came close with a knife, but he stabbed you…in the chest. It was near the heart.”

“What happened next?”

“I screamed and tried to stop the blood flowing but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried, Frank. I couldn’t save you.” He had started to cry again and I knew that this nightmare must have been the worst. Would it ever get better?

“It’s just a dream, Gerard,” Mikey finally interfered. “It’s not real. You don’t need to shed tears.”

“It felt so real, Mikey.” Gerard turned to face him in the dark. “I felt the blood, it seemed. I could feel the tears that were on my cheeks!”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Mikey said. “It’s just your mind playing dirty tricks.”

“I don’t like dirty tricks!” Gerard said. “I can’t sleep. I can’t live with him haunting me day and night!”

“I know, I know.” Mikey nodded.

“What if he comes back for me?” Gerard whispered. “I don’t want him to, Frank.”

“Shh, he won’t touch you. Mikey and I will make sure, alright?”

“But…but you guys can’t watch me all the time!”

“We’ll try.”

Gerard shook his head. “I’m going to drop out of school.”

“You—,” I started, “I don’t think…that’ll be safe.”

“I think it will.” Gerard looked at me. “I won’t leave the house and I’ll beside your mom and Mikey while you’re at school, Frank.”

I bit my lip and took a breath. “My mom goes to work, Gerard.”

“Oh.”

I nodded. “Yeah, and you need to finish your education. You’re going to be a famous artist. You want to go to SVA, don’t you?”

Gerard nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Then you need to stay in school.”

Gerard sighed and we returned to silence. I looked at the clock and realized that it has already been an hour. I was glad it was still the weekend and that I could sleep in. But I wanted to also stay up to watch Gerard when he fell back asleep. I laid back down beside him with Mikey and we continued to run our fingers through his hair.

“Let’s go back to sleep, yeah?” I had asked Gerard when I heard him yawn. I felt Gerard nod and I closed my eyes. “Good…night.”

It took a while for him to sleep because he kept getting startled and he kept whimpering. Mikey and I kept shushing him and whispering that it’s all okay. After an hour, he had fallen asleep. We both fell asleep despite us fighting the normal bodily urge for sleep. I wanted to stay awake for Gerard but I couldn’t. I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

 _I needed to fight harder_.

That was my last thought before I had fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

 

It wasn’t until eleven o’clock that I had woken up again. I had woken up with Gerard wide awake next to me. Mikey was still asleep. I turned over and I sat up to get a good look at Gerard. He was just staring at the ceiling. I got into his face and whispered, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” he whispered back.

“Did you have any more nightmares?”

Gerard had shaken his head. “No.”

“That’s good.” I looked at him. “We need showers,” I said seriously.

Gerard blushed. “Do I stink?”

I shook my head. “No, but your hair is greasy.”

“I’ll go shower,” he said. “Where are my clothes?”

I showed him where he had put his bag. I had told him that the washcloths and towels were already in the bathroom. He had nodded and he went to shower. Few minutes later, Mikey had woken up.

“Where’s Gerard?” Mikey asked.

“He’s in the shower.” Mikey nodded. “I don’t know if I trust him in there,” I had admitted.

“Why don’t you?”

“Those nightmares leave him feeling depressed more than usual. He cuts.”

“I could go in there and watch him, if you want me to.”

“I don’t know how he’ll react, though.”

“That’s true, but what choice do we have in order to protect him?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know, but let’s give him ten minutes before I let you go inside.” Mikey nodded and agreed. Mikey and I started to talk about the past Gerard.

“I remember when Gerard wasn’t like this,” Mikey said. “Gerard was a loner, sure, but he wasn’t so sad like he is now. If someone had a problem with him, he wouldn’t back down. He wasn’t scared, he was just a utter hermit. A brave one at that, though.”

“Did he have confidence?”

Mikey pursed his lips. “Sometimes he didn’t, but sometimes he did.”

“He doesn’t have any now.”

“I figured.”

I nodded, and then after realizing that it’s been ten minutes, “You can go in there now.”

Mikey nodded. Mikey got up and knocked on the door. “Hey, it’s me. Can I come in?” There was no answer but the water was still running. Mikey knocked louder before walking in.  

I got off my bed and I stayed outside as I listened closely. I heard Mikey talking. “Gerard, I’m just making sure you’re okay—are you okay—.” I heard the curtain being moved and Mikey squealed before running out of the bathroom. I heard Gerard yell and I ran inside the bathroom.

“Gerard? Are—oh my God,” I said.

I slowly walked out and closed the door as I said, “Sorry,” to Gerard.

“Did you just witness what I think you witnessed,” I asked as I turned to look at Mikey. Mikey had wide eyes and his mouth was gaping.

“Mmhmm,” he said, stunned. “He was…y’know.”

“Oh God,” I said. “Maybe we should…pretend that we didn’t see anything.” Mikey nodded.

It wasn’t even five minutes later Gerard came walking out. He was dressed and somewhat dried. He was blushing when he looked at us. He coughed and mumbled a quiet sorry before walking to the bed. We both told him its fine even though it was the most embarrassing thing to witness. I bet it had been even worse when your own brother walks in on you masturbating in the shower.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“It’s fine,” Gerard said. I could tell that he was still embarrassed.

I shook my head. “We shouldn’t have entered the bathroom.”

“I understood why you did it, Frank.”

“I hope so,” Mikey had butted in.

“I do.” Gerard had nodded.

We went into silence after that. But I was shocked when Gerard kissed me. I had heard Mikey mumble, “I walk in on _that_ and now I witness this.” Gerard must’ve heard because he smiled in the kiss before he had pulled away.

Gerard giggled and smirked.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, um...I need more comments on how you guys feel about this story

It was Sunday evening when Mikey had to go home. I made sure he went home safe, and that Gerard and I got home safe, as well. I made sure that by the time it was bedtime, Gerard was full, showered, and okay. I managed to let him let me sleep beside him. He told me I could only if I held his hand and ran my fingers through his hair. I obeyed and twenty minutes later he was sound asleep. I didn’t have any other choice but to go to sleep considering it was a school week.

I sighed before I fell asleep.

 

I woke a few hours later with a warm sensation below the waist. I didn’t understand what was going on and when I looked down, I was kind of freaked out. Gerard was going down on me. He winked as he went further down on my dick before just resting there. He placed his arm down to keep my hips pinned down. I was scared that if I opened my mouth, then moans would fly out into the open, but I needed this stopped. I needed this stopped before it had even _begun_.

Gerard had started to say something, but he didn’t finish because I put my hand over his mouth. “Sh! No! This needs to stop,” I hissed.

Gerard sighed and he had pulled my pajamas back up. He turned to face the wall as he muttered, “I’m sorry. I’m just as bad as him, aren’t I? I didn’t ask for permission. You can smack me, I don’t care.”

“Gerard, that’s a lie. For one, you’re not as bad as him. Two, I won’t smack you and three, you _do_ care.” I looked at him. “Trust me, I will never smack you. I will never lay a hand on you unless it’s me stroking your hair or face. Nothing violent, I promise.”  
  
“You’re serious? You won’t hit me?”

“I promise—no, I swear. I will never, _ever_ hit you.”

I turned him over so I could face him and he could face me. I kissed his entire face before we said goodnight. It probably looked like that I was the older one in the relationship, but everyone knew Gerard was the older one. He had looked older, everyone knew that by looks, it mean that person was older. Gerard didn’t have a baby face. I was short, which probably made me look even younger. I acted older than my age, though. I hadn’t cared about the age difference; all that I cared about was our love. I cared about how much I had wanted to protect his fragile, broken heart. I wanted to repair him. I wanted to walk him through the steps and make sure he would be happy.

 

When school ended, I walked home with Gerard. We did our homework together and we told each other how our day was. It felt like we were an actual couple that knew each other for a very long time. Or maybe we sounded like the old couples. Who knows and who cared. We certainly didn’t.

“Hey,” my mom said walking into the living room. “I’m going to be going out with my friends, but I left some money on the table for pizza, if you guys get hungry.”  I thanked my mom before hugging her and letting her leave. It wasn’t until a few hours later that we started to get hungry. I ordered the pizza and when it was here, we ate.

“I’m sorry.” I knew that Gerard had still felt guilty. “I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking, you know? But...I knew that you don’t want to rush our relationship. I don’t want to either and I should’ve been thinking it’s just…I don’t know. I know in some aspects that I’m not ready for…but I’m also willing to just try.”

I sighed. “It’s alright, Gerard. I don’t want to rush our relationship because I’ve done it before in the past and it’s not healthy. When two people rush into relationships and take steps faster than they should have, it ends badly. Trust me, and trust me when I say this, it isn’t only for your benefit. It’s for mine, as well. For me, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to ruin this.” I shook my head. “We just started this. I don’t want to rush into anything intimate, and it’s for my sake, as well.”

Gerard half-smiled and he said, “I understand. I don’t do it again.”

I chuckled. “Wanna watch a movie?”

“Can I choose?”

“Sure, I don’t mind.”

Gerard stood up to go to where the movies were. I followed him as he chose the movie and handed it to me. I put it in the CD player. We walked back over to the couch and cuddled up. I placed the couches’ blanket over top over us. It made us both warm. Everything had felt perfect at that exact moment and I wished I could take a picture or I wished I could’ve painted it. I needed it so I could remember it until the day I die.

“Hey,” I whispered, “can you do me a favor?”

Gerard looked at me. “Yeah, what is it?”

“I was wondering if you could paint or draw this moment. After the movie, I mean.”

Gerard smiled. “Of course I can.”

“Thank you.” I kissed his forehead and we went back to watch the movie.

The entire movie seemed to have gone by fast. It seemed like time had went by fast, too. It felt like our special moments go by fast. I hated that. I had loved to spend time with Gerard. He was very cuddly when he had wanted to be. Gerard was also emotional. He liked emotional things, but I refused to let him. I wanted him happy, he needed to watch happy things and listen to happy music.

When the movie was over, we walked back upstairs. He went to get his things and sat down on the floor. He had traced the couch, and then he traced our faces and our bodies. He seemed to have gotten my features quite nicely and his…they seemed to be different to what he looked like. I questioned as to why.

“This is how I see myself.”

“But that’s not how I see you.” I shook my head. “In this, you look different.”

“Is that bad?” He went back to being self-conscious.

“No, no. It’s not; I was just being my nosy self.” I smiled. “Everything looks perfect.”

Gerard smiled before he went back to drawing. It took him a lot of time, but I was okay with that. I wanted this to be perfect. I didn’t rush him. I sat there quietly and watched how he drew our faces and clothes, and the blanket that was wrapped around us. I watched him draw his hand that was on my chest and head. He drew the bumps under the blanket and his feet that were sticking out from under the blanket. He drew the wrinkles in the blanket. As cheesy as it was, I felt tears prickle my eyes. I couldn’t help get emotional about this. This was when he focused on drawing and nothing else besides what he wanted to draw. The memories and hauntings of being abused were gone for the time being. I hadn’t dared to interrupt this moment for him. I let him be.

“Do you have coloring pencils?” he had asked.

I had thought for a moment before nodding to go get them in my mom’s office. I didn’t understand why we had a fresh box of them. None of my parents were ever artistic and neither was I. I walked back to my room to give them to Gerard. He smiled and had begun to color and darken the picture. It looked real and not just cartoon anymore. He was bringing that moment back to life. I loved that moment. I still felt emotional because of it.

I hoped Gerard hadn’t noticed.

Within an hour, the drawing was finished. He showed me and my eyes had widened. I had known that I watched him the entire time. But I couldn’t help but be surprised. It looked fantastic. I also couldn’t help but kiss him. He had smiled and giggled in the kiss.

“I take it you like it, then?” he asked after he had pulled away.

I nodded. “Of course I do. This looks amazing. Do you know how amazing you are, Gerard?”

Gerard looked down. “No. I don’t.”

I had placed my hand under his chin. “You should know because you are the most perfect person I have ever met. You are the most beautiful and caring person. I wish you could see you as how I see you.” Gerard blushed. “You’re even cuter when you blush. It’s adorable.”

“You’re cheesy,” he muttered.

“I’m the cheesiest.”

“Short cheese,” he had joked.

I gasped, “Really now, Gerard?” I faked hurt before I chuckled loudly.

“I know your middle name,” I had said minutes later.

Gerard’s eyes widened. “Don’t you dare say it. It’s embarrassing.”

“Gerard Ar—“

“How the…how do you even know it?”

“Your school ID.”

“Where’s yours? It’s only fair to let me see.”

I rolled my eyes. “Mine is Anthony.”

“Frank Anthony Iero, that’s it, huh?”

I nodded. “It’s a lousy name.”

“Now _you’re_ the one being down on yourself.”

I shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the first time, you know.”

“It should be the last time.” He looked at me before kissing me deep and it was a different kind of kiss. This kiss had meant something different. I couldn’t quite know at the time. And I hadn’t bothered to figure it out because I didn’t have time before I fell backwards. Gerard was on top of me. He wasn’t doing anything besides just kissing me. It wasn’t a dirty kiss. It was a sweet, caring kiss, but that’s all I knew about it. I liked this kiss because afterwards, it made my lips feel tingly. It had made me feel bubbly.

 


	12. Chapter 12

I pulled back at the same time Gerard did. He had a big smile and a slight blush on his cheeks. I giggled and mimicked his smile. He bit his lip before he had looked back at me. I could tell there was something he was hiding back at that time. I didn’t know whether it was a good thought or a bad thought.

“What are you thinking?” I had whispered. “Don’t hold back your thoughts.”

Gerard shook his head. “I’ll tell you later…just not now, okay?” Gerard had looked like he was about to cry. He had tears in his eyes, but they weren’t running down his cheeks. I should’ve known that I shouldn’t have asked. But right now, I wish I could tell if they were happy tears or sad tears. I wish I had known at that time.

“Why can’t you tell me now? Is it bad?”

Gerard bit his lip. “It could be, I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to be shy, trust me.”

“I do trust you, Frank, it’s…just, I can’t tell you right now. I swear that…to me, it’s not bad.”

“Promise me it isn’t?”

“I swear, Frank.” Gerard nodded before pecking my lips and pulled back. He looked at me before climbing onto my bed. “I want Mikey to come over.”

“Do you want to go over there?”

“Would it be safe?”

“I could ask him if we’re allowed to.”

Gerard smiled and nodded. “Please.”

I pulled out my phone and began to text Mikey. _Gerard wants to come over,_ I texted. It didn’t take Mikey that long to reply and eventually he said that it’d be okay. I told Gerard and he sat up to walk out with me. I also texted my mom telling her where we’re going.

When we walked out the door, I immediately grabbed Gerard’s hand. We began to walk to Mikey’s. The walk wasn’t long considering me and Gerard distracted us by talking. He told me about his grandma and his mom. I half-smiled as he talked. And eventually, we were at Mikey’s. I knocked on his house’s door. Mikey answered the door with a smile on his face. He pulled us inside and sat us down.

“Where is everyone else?” I questioned.

“Well, Pete is in his room and his parents are away for today.”

Gerard nodded and said, “Can I see Pete?”

“Sure,” Mikey said before walking off. Mikey wasn’t gone for too long before he had someone walking beside him. “This is Pete, Gerard—Pete, this is Gerard.”

“Hello,” Pete said. “Mikey sorta talked about you.”

Gerard looked down. He was self-conscious again. “Gerard, don’t worry. It was nothing bad, I promise,” Mikey said.

“Yeah,” Pete agreed. “He told me that he missed you.”

Gerard whispered, “Really?” Pete and Mikey nodded. “I missed you already, Mikey.”

“I know.”

“How can you know?”

“I know because I missed you. I haven’t seen you in forever and now that I have you back in my life, it’s _hard_ to let you go again. Now that I know you’re fine, I can’t help but worry about you. I need to see you every day, but I can’t.” Mikey shook his head. “I wish I could live with you here or something. I don’t want to leave here, though. Pete’s my best friend, and I hope you understand that I can’t just up and leave him.”

“I do understand. I just really, really miss you.” Gerard’s voice broke. His lip shook and his eyes filled with tears. “You started a family here. You live here now.”

“I’m glad you know that.” Mikey walked closer to Gerard. “I love you, though.”

“I love you, too. I love you so much, and I hoped that you never forgot about me.”

“I would’ve never forgotten about you. I prayed every single day that you’d be okay. I never prayed that much in my _entire_ life.”

“Are you being serious?”

“Of course I am. Ask Pete, he’ll tell you. I would stay up every night just praying for what seemed like hours. Every day! Every hour and second. I just wanted to find you. I was scared, though. I was scared that maybe dad would catch me and abuse me. I was terrified, of course. I thought you were dead,” Mikey admitted. “Never leave me.”

Gerard was crying. He had sounded like he was choking. He made noises that he never made before. These tears were yanked right out of him and he was showing pain. Pain was flowing out of him. I never saw him cry this hard, and I’ve saw him cry before, of course. Many, many times and sometimes, there was nothing I could do. I wish I could’ve saved him from these tears. I wish I could’ve saved him from his pain. I can’t save people.

“Gerard, please…don’t cry,” Mikey said. “It’s almost Christmas! I got you a present.” Mikey smiled right when Gerard did.

I could tell that Gerard didn’t get that many presents in the past. Or…they weren’t presents that made him happy. They were presents that made him sad. They were the ones that he wanted to curl into a ball and die. I could tell. I needed to buy him a present. I wanted to buy him a necklace. I knew I had the money to or I could ask my money if I needed more. I had decided to ask her for twenty dollars through text messaging. She said yes.

 

After spending an hour at Pete’s house, it was getting late and I decide it was better that we go home. It was hard to make Gerard leave and I had been on the urge to just let him stay here, but I decided that he needed to come home with me for his safety. I need to protect him and watch him. I didn’t know if Mikey and Pete would’ve been able to control his emotions. I had decided then that maybe, later in the future, that he could stay the night. I told Gerard this and he agreed only after a little bit of a debate.

Gerard and I said our goodbyes and we walked out of their house. We walked home and I noticed that it was dark. It was pitch black. The street lights were flickering and I would have admitted that I was sort of scared. But Gerard was trembling and whimpering, and he had a tight grip on my waist and hand.

“Sh,” I said. “It’s okay.” My voice had wavered a bit and I tried to keep him from thinking I was terrified.

“Don’t let go,” Gerard whimpered. “Please don’t let go.”

“I won’t let go.” I squeezed his hand to let him know that I wouldn’t have let go. “I’m never going to let you go. I’m here whether you like it or not.” Gerard smiled at me in the dark. We walked faster so we could’ve gotten out of the dark.

I heard Gerard sniffle a bit and my shirt became damp a bit. I had ignored it and we walked faster. My heart was beating faster and it felt like we were in a scary movie. I had tried to not let Gerard notice. After ten minutes, I noticed my shoe was untied. I told Gerard that I had to let go only to untie my shoe. I got out my phone to give me a bit of light and I had bent down. It took me a while to still see in the dark. And when I had gotten a hold of my shoe lace, Gerard screamed.

I jumped up.

I used my flashlight and noticed that Gerard was not close to me.

“ _Gerard_ ,” I screamed.

There was no answer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you could, can you leave more comments and ask me things on my tumblr...
> 
> (mybrokenromance.tumblr.com)

I panicked because I couldn’t see Gerard anywhere insight. I pulled my hair before I had begun to run. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I took out my phone and turned the flashlight on. My eyes widened at the sight I was seeing. I saw Gerard’s father have his hand over Gerard’s mouth. Gerard was on the ground as he looked up at me. Gerard’s father caught on to that I was standing there. He also could tell anger was flaring up inside me. 

I growled. “I thought I told you to keep your dirty hands off of him?!” I had yelled, and walked closer and kicked Gerard’s father off of Gerard. Gerard’s father rolled over and clutched his ribs. I kept kicking and kicking. I ignored his whimpering.

In the corner of my eye, Gerard hurried and got up. I punched Gerard’s father one more time before me and Gerard ran off. We ran as fast as we could to my house. We slammed inside and locked the door. Gerard was breathing heavily and I didn’t know if it was from the running or being in shock, or something.

“C’mon, let’s go to my room. Just relax, okay?” Gerard nodded absently. He had let me lead him upstairs. I slowly made him sit on my bed. Gerard had then seemed to be in a daze. I rubbed his back until he seemed that he was out of his daze. I had laid my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry for letting you go.”

Gerard bit his lip and looked at me. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, Gerard. I had promised you that I wasn’t going to let you go, but yet I did. Do you not realize how I suck as a person? How I broke a promise?”

“You needed to tie your shoe.”

“So?”

“I understand that you probably didn’t want to break your face.” Gerard half-smiled and then he whispered, “It’s too pretty to break.”

“It’s not as pretty as yours, trust me.” I pecked his lips before I pulled back. I hadn’t expected Gerard to pull me back in for a harsher kiss. I really wouldn’t have after he was almost raped by his father. Maybe it’s because he was scared or he missed me. I didn’t know, but I was even more surprised when Gerard laid me back so he was on top of me. I had felt his tongue touch my lips but I didn’t want the kiss to go that far. I tried pushing him back gently, but he had a tight grip on me. He sat on my hips and grabbed my head before thrusting his tongue in my mouth.

Gerard started to move his hips. I really wish he hadn’t. Maybe this was revenge because I broke my promise, and now he is breaking his promise of keeping our relationship slow and steady. I didn’t know, but what I did know is that Gerard pulled back and I immediately said, “Stop!”

Gerard shook his head. His pupils were blown wide with lust and it was kind of scary. “No, Frank.” Gerard kept grinding his hips into mine. I would’ve admitted at that moment that it felt good, but I couldn’t have this happen. It was too early and I was too scared. I didn’t understand him. He was about to be raped by his father in the alley and now he had wanted to grind into me. I groaned as I felt my body react to the grinding. I didn’t want this. I didn't need this.

“Please,” I whispered. “Stop it, please.”

“I can feel that you want it.” Gerard smirked. “Doesn’t this feel great?” Gerard moaned and I had hoped to God that my mom was away. I had hoped she didn’t come home any time soon. I didn’t want her seeing _this_.

“Gerard!” I hissed.

“I can make you feel good,” Gerard said. I shook my head and groaned as he had kept going. “Just let me keep going—” I pushed Gerard off of me and I jumped off of the bed. I went by my wall and scooted down until I had my knees to my chest.

“Frank,” Gerard whined, “I wasn’t finished.”

“Gerard, you need to stop this. I can’t do this! Don’t you remember what you said? Don’t you remember saying that we need to take this slow?”

 Gerard seemed to come back to reality. He looked like I just slapped him in the face with my answer. I rejected him. I had to reject him, though. I wasn’t ready to do anything physical besides kiss him or run my fingers through his hair. He didn’t understand.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard had whispered. I could tell that Gerard wanted to burst into tears. I had seen the tears rim his eyes.

“You can’t keep doing this—do you not understand how I _feel_?” I asked. “It hurts me. I trusted you and you keep doing the same thing where I say _no_.” I felt like I should go on but I couldn’t because Gerard’s tears had gone down his cheeks. He had the look that I kept slapping him instead of just talking. “How can you even…do _that_ after almost—?”

“Shut up!” Gerard yelled. “Shut it.” He growled like an animal. It was official. I was the one who hurt him.

“It’s not the first time we talked about—”

“I told you to shut up,” Gerard had kept growling like an animal that was about to attack it’s pray.

“I’m sorry,” I said. This was the first time I seen Gerard with so much rage. In the back of my mind, I shouldn’t just let him continue his mission of him getting off, but I, personally, didn’t want it no matter how my body had reacted.

In the next moment, Gerard went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I flinched when the door slammed shut and I walked back to the bed. I sat there and had given him time to cool down. I didn’t want him going to sleep when he was angry. I was scared that he’d kick me in his sleep with the rage that was coming off of him.

It seemed like he didn’t want to come out of there. I had been on the verge of going in there and telling him that I’m not mad and that I had only been shocked. But I gave him another hour and when he still didn’t come out, another one as well. I had begun to worry about him and I knocked lightly on the door. There was no answer and I had felt my heart race once again. I slowly turned the knob and closed my eyes.

“Gerard, it’s just me,” I whispered and I closed the door. I opened them and Gerard wasn’t anywhere. I was afraid to open the shower curtain. Ever since earlier and a couple days before, I wasn’t ready to open the curtain. I hadn’t wanted Gerard to jump me again and I didn’t know how he would react if I opened the curtain. But I needed to make sure he was okay in there and didn’t slip and fall. I slowly opened the curtain to see that Gerard was on the floor.

Gerard was on the floor. His eyes were closed and he was asleep. He fell asleep in the shower. I chuckled and turned off the water. I went to go get a towel and I tried to wake him up. He smacked my hand away and he had muttered, “Let me drown in the water.” I rolled my eyes and told him no. I helped him up, and when he opened his eyes, he looked at me and giggled.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“I’m naked,” he said, half-asleep. “You’re in here with me. I’m naked.”

“Yes, Gerard. You’re naked and I’m taking you to bed so you can sleep.”

“Don’t wanna,” he whispered and shook his head. “I’m wide awake!”

“Like Hell you are.” I shook my head as I helped him out of the bathtub. I had led him to my room and dressed him as if he was an infant. He had lay on the bed and curled into a ball to fall asleep. I was exhausted and decided that I had better follow suit.

 

I woke up and realized Gerard was not in the bed but he was in the bathroom crying. I furrowed my brow before I had walked to the bathroom. I twisted the door knob, but it was locked. I couldn’t budge it either. I didn’t know how to pick a lock and Gerard wouldn’t open the door.

“Open the door,” I said.

“No.” Gerard sounded in pain. “I won’t let you,” I had heard him mutter.

“Why not?”

“You don’t let me do a lot of things because ‘it’s for my safety’, and well, this is for your safety, Frank.”

“What are you doing in there?” My heart had been beating so fast that I thought it was going to explode.

I heard Gerard laugh. “What’s needing to be done!” he exclaimed.

“And what is that?” I was afraid of the answer.

“You’ll find out.”

I didn’t want to find out because I had wanted to know. I didn’t know what he was up to. I ran away from the door and smashed into it. The door had flown open. I saw Gerard have a full case of pill bottles. I yanked them out of his hand and they scattered the floor. I gently grabbed Gerard’s wrist and pulled him out of the bathroom. I sat him on my bed.

“Is this all because of last night?” I had asked. “Is this because I said no?”

Gerard was quiet for a couple minutes before he had whispered, “Sort of, but sort of not.”

“What else is it, then?”

Gerard took a deep breath. “We’ve known each other for two months. We spent a lot of time close together even though it doesn’t seem like that.” Gerard shrugged. “We’ve been dating for a short time, sure, but I get…just…you know. And I’m a guy. I respect you, of course. It’s just that…I have wanted to do it with you.”

“I know, but we can’t because it’s for—”

“If you say it’s for my safety, then I’m leaving this house right now. I’m old enough to know what I want, Frank. I know you’re younger and I may seem pathetic or I might too old to cry, but…I just—” Gerard took a deep breath before speaking again, “I need you to help me get the creepy-crawly feelings of him inside me.”

“I understand, but still.”

“Tell me the truth—will you tell me the truth?”

“Of course I will.”

“Have you ever wanted to have sex with me?”

“I—I…Gerard, I haven’t really thought about it, honestly. It never came to my mind.”

“Is the reason it came to your mind because I’m weak and pathetic? Or are you too scared to try because I might break into tears, maybe?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ve thought about it, Frank. We don’t have that much of an age difference and you’re going to be seventeen.”

“Gerard, still—”

Gerard shook his head and cut me off. “No, just tell me the truth!”

“Fine, we can’t. I’m not ready for it and neither are you.”

“You’re not me so how would you know if I’m ready or not?” he snapped.

“Even if you are, I’m not ready to have sex.”

“Are you a virgin?”

“No.”

“Have you been—?”

“I’ve topped and bottomed,” I muttered quietly. “I’m not new to it.”

“You know what to do, then?”

“Of course….” I didn’t know where this was going.

“Do it with me,” he said.

“Maybe…sometime soon, just not now, okay?”

“Fine,” he muttered. “Can it be soon?”

“I don’t know!” I exclaimed.

“It’s what I want for Christmas, then.”

My eyes widened. “Uh…um—”

“Just…think about it,” he whispered and pecked my lips. “I’ll make your night good.” He grabbed my butt before walking to the bed and going to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so after this story is finished, i'll be writing a thing but it wont be published until i know when BBB is. 
> 
> also, is there anyone who is artistic out there that can make fanart??

I had sat on the floor and watched Gerard sleep. I hadn’t cared that it was creepy, but I couldn’t come so close to him at that exact moment. It was too early for me to sleep and I was getting hungry. I knew that Gerard was going to wake up soon. I didn’t want him to wake up alone especially with the episode in the bathroom. Who knew what he would’ve done while I was gone. I had decided to ignore the sounds my stomach was making and the sensation of me having to pee.

It only took Gerard twenty minutes until Gerard woke back up. He had turned over so he saw me sitting on the floor. “Why are you on the floor?” he asked. “Normally, you’re up here with me.” He looked hurt, but I couldn’t let that look get to me.

“I didn’t want to lie down,” I said. “I had to pee.”

“Why didn’t you go pee?” he laughed.

“I wanted you to wake up and know that I didn’t leave you alone in this room.”

“Aw, how sweet,” Gerard had said with a slight smile. “I’m hungry.”

“Me too, so let’s go downstairs.” Gerard nodded and we walked downstairs.

“Does your mom know about us?” he whispered. “Like, does she know we’re dating?”

I shook my head. “I haven’t had time to tell her. Do you want me to tell her?”

Gerard bit his lip. “I don’t know. Do you think we should?”

“I think she has a right to know.” Gerard nodded and agreed. I told him to wait in the kitchen and if he wanted to get good, then he could. I walked upstairs to my mom’s office and saw that she was in there. She was on her laptop.

“Hey Frankie,” she said.

“Hi mom,” I had responded with. “I have to tell you something.”

My mom furrowed her brow. “Is it bad?”

I shook my head. “No, no, it’s not. Actually, I hope you’ll support it.”

My mom smiled. “What is it, Sweetie?”

“Um, can you come downstairs?” My mom nodded and I saw Gerard just sitting at the kitchen table. He looked down and his eyes widened when he saw my mom and me. She followed me and sat down.

“Now, tell me what’s up.” She looked at me and Gerard.

“Uh….” I had grabbed Gerard’s hand in mine and we placed our hands on the table. “Gerard…Gerard and I are together? Like, we’ve been for a while. It started as friendship and now it’s a romantic thing—don’t worry! Nothing physical, I promise you that. Just…we’re—”

“I support you, Frank.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Are you boy’s hungry?” I nodded and she began to get the stuff to fix breakfast.

I walked Gerard back upstairs and we went to my room as we waited for breakfast. Gerard shoved me against the wall and kissed me furiously. He shoved his tongue in my mouth and I groaned. I hadn’t known what he was doing, but I figured maybe I should see how this plays out. If it gets too far, then I’ll make sure he stops.

“I can’t believe—” He cut himself off with kissing me again. He placed his hands on my hips. His hands were just resting there. They hadn’t gone below the belt. I thanked God at that time. He wasn’t doing anything.

Our kiss had seemed that it was going on forever. I just had let it happen and I kissed back but when he pulled back, I pulled back. I hadn’t expected him to whisper, “Touch me.” He took my wrist and placed it in the front of his jeans.

“Gerard, I can’t,” I said. “I just told my mom that we weren’t anything physical.”

“She won’t know, please.” There was desperation in Gerard’s eyes. I had guessed he really wanted to get rid of the feelings his father left him with. I had an internal fight. One side of me told me to just do it and the other said that I should just wait. I decided to go with the other considering my mom took a while to cook.

“You’ll have to be quiet, okay?” I whispered. Gerard nodded and smiled that I had agreed to his request.

I took a deep breath and slowly unzipped his pants and popped the button. Gerard was only half-hard, but I grasped him and it filled out quickly. I started to stroke him as how I would stroke myself. I thumbed the head and then went back to stroking. I ran my hand up and down several times then I thumbed under the head again. As I kept going, I looked up at Gerard. He had bit his lip and he had his eyes closed. I could tell that he was struggling to keep the moans inside but he was trying hard to show that he can impress me, but he would gasp sometimes.

I didn’t know how long it would take Gerard to come; I sped up my strokes to help him get off faster so we wouldn’t get caught. And, after only ten more minutes, Gerard came in my fist and on my shirt. I sighed. At least now I had a chance to get a shower.

Gerard giggled and smiled that I had his come on my shirt. He put his junk back in his jeans and took a hold of my wrist and placed my fingers in his mouth to lick away the come. I stared in shock as I watched Gerard.

I had yanked my fingers out of his mouth. “I’m…gonna take a shower. If my mom calls, just go down and eat. I’ll be out in a couple minutes.” Gerard nodded. I gathered my stuff and went into the bathroom. When I entered the room, I locked the door and turned on the water.

I needed to hurry this shower up. I ignored my dick.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm sorry if it sucks??
> 
> I suck at writing porn. 
> 
> Oh god.

_One day later…_

_Christmas Eve, morning_

**Part One**

Somehow, I had gotten my Christmas shopping without Gerard knowing. I had sent him to Mikey’s and I had gone to the store. Gerard didn’t mind that I had left him there, and I felt grateful nonetheless. I had gotten everything that I needed and had forced to let myself buy the stuff…Gerard wanted. I had hoped to God my mom would never know about this.

I had walked up to the cashiers counter and placed all my stuff on there. The man at the counter started ringing my stuff up. He picked up the lube and condoms. I had dared to look at his face. “Gettin’ lucky?” he said, he had a smirk.

“You could say that, I guess,” I said.

“Aren’t you young, though?”

“I’m old enough.”

“How old—”

I shook my head. “I’m old enough,” I had repeated. I had hoped the cashier would leave it at that and I was thankful when he did. After I said that and I was done with the check-out, I hurried to my house. I ran into the office and since my mom was gone, I was lucky that she didn’t know that I went to the store. I got the wrapping paper and went back to my room to start wrapping the presents.

It took me only twenty minutes and I stuffed my mom’s and Gerard’s presents (besides the…lube and condoms) under the tree in the living room. When I walked back upstairs with a smile on my face, I got a text from Mikey.

 _Gerard wants you,_ the text said.

 _I’ll be there in a few,_ I said. I didn’t know why Gerard needed me when he had Mikey there. Maybe he was scared. But I decided that maybe I should hurry up and get over there. I ran out the door and ran to Mikey’s house. I knocked on the door and Mikey opened it. He led me to Gerard and I saw that Gerard had been crying.

“Why were you crying, Gerard?” I had asked him.

“I thought you were going to leave me here. I love Mikey and all, but…I want to spend time with you too today.” I understood.

“I understand.” I walked over to Gerard and kissed him on the forehead. “Do you want to go back home now?”

“Yeah,” Gerard said.

“Wait!” Mikey butted in. “I got you guys something.” Mikey had walked out of the room and he walked back in only minutes later with two boxes in his arms. He walked to us and handed us each one.

Gerard smiled as he opened the box. He opened the lid when the red wrapping paper was off and he smiled when he pulled out the gift. There were CDs in there. They were the bands that Gerard loved and talked about. It wasn’t much, but I could just tell that Gerard loved it anyway. It didn’t have to be big for him if it was from his brother. I opened mine and all that was in there was a letter. I smiled and I didn’t even care that it wasn’t that much either.

“Thank you, Mikey,” I said.

Mikey smiled. “I don’t know what you like, so I’m sorry it’s not much. But…it—”

“It’s okay. I like it anyway. I like letters,” I had told him.

Gerard and I hugged him before we walked back home. I walked inside and I decided that since my mother was gone and wouldn’t be home until six hours from now, that Gerard could open the one he truly wanted.

 _If I have sex with him now, then maybe he will quit asking_ , I thought. “Gerard, do you want to open one present right now?” I had said. Gerard’s eyes widened and he smiled, and he nodded as he led me to the Christmas tree. “It’s not under the tree. It’s in my room.”

Gerard smirked. “Let’s go up, then.” He grabbed my hand and we raced upstairs. He sat on the bed as I got the package. I sat it on his lap as he opened it. I could tell that he had already known what was in it. I probably shouldn’t have bothered with wrapping paper.

When the wrapping paper was off and out of the box was opened, I said, “There’s a catch, though.” Gerard scowled. “You’re…we’re gonna go somewhere to do this. My mom kind of knows that we’re…um _shopping_ , but…um.” I was uncomfortable, but I was pretty sure Gerard understood because he got off the bed and came over to where I was. He kissed my lips passionately. It wasn’t like the past furious kisses either. It was slow and sweet. There was little tongue and it didn’t last long.

“Thank you,” he had whispered and he had smiled after he said that.

“Do you want to top? Or do you…want me?”

Gerard bit his lip before he had whispered, “I want you to.”

I nodded and picked up the stuff, and I took his hand before we walked to the nearest motel. We bought a room and had gotten the keys to the room. I didn’t care that this must have been cliché. I walked into the room and Gerard had lain on the bed. I covered him with my body as I kissed his lips. I pulled back and took off his shirt and shoes, pants and I stripped. I left us only in our boxers. I kept kissing him. I pulled back again and I rubbed his sides before I had bent down and kissed his neck. I left little kisses on his neck and I went back to his ear. I nibbled there for a bit before I pushed him down on his back. I went back to his neck and sucked.

“You can be vocal,” I whispered seductively. “It’s sexy to me.”

I had slowly gone down until I reached his nipples. I pinched and sucked on them. Gerard had busted into moaning. His cheeks light up red and I giggled. I rubbed his cheek and went back to his nipples. When I stopped with his nipples, I kissed his stomach. I pulled back and kept kissing him. I rubbed the outline of his erection. His hips bucked up and I rubbed his sides to calm him down.

“Sorry,” he whispered, he had been embarrassed.

“Sh, it’s okay.”  I kept stroking his erection through his boxers. He had kept moaning and I pulled his boxers off and then I pulled mine off as I hadn’t wanted to leave him uncomfortable. I grabbed the lube and he smacked it out of my hand.

“I don’t want it,” he had protested.

“Gerard, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I…can take it without it.”

“No, you’re going to let me use it.” After some protesting, Gerard finally agreed. I squirted a lot on my fingers and I put one finger inside him. I looked at his face and he had winced. I kissed the pout of his lips and I had stroked his cheek with my clean hand. After what seemed a while, I entered another finger. I curled my fingers and Gerard yelped. I had found his prostate and he moaned each time I curled my fingers.

I eventually added another finger and Gerard had hissed. I had asked if he was okay and he nodded. After a while, I pulled my fingers out and grabbed a condom. I rolled it on and rubbed lube on my erection. I took a hold of Gerard’s legs and placed him over my shoulders. I entered him at a slow pace and when I was finally inside, Gerard whimpered.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?” I asked. “I can stop. I don’t mind.”

Gerard bit his lip before he said, “Keep going.”

I nodded before I had pulled out. It wasn’t much and I didn’t want to hurt him by starting a fast pace. I had kept it slow and steady. I didn’t pull out that much on each thrust. I had kept kissing him and rubbing his cheek. I realized, after a while, that Gerard might not be getting much pleasure. I grabbed his dick and I had realized it was erect anymore. I slowly brought it back and I stroked it faster than my thrusts. It wasn’t until he was leaking and I brushed against his prostate that he said I was allowed to go faster. I changed my position and went a little faster.

“Fuck,” he moaned. The moan was loud and I hadn’t cared that if there were people in the next room.

I had leaned down and kissed his lips as I went faster and stroked him. “I—I…I’m gonna,” I couldn’t finish that sentence before I came inside the condom. I couldn’t pull out since Gerard had made me stay inside him as I stroked him. It only took him a couple more strokes until he came in my hand.

“Oh my God,” I said as I pulled out.

“You can say that again,” he whispered.

I threw away the condom in the bathroom and I walked back in the room to see that Gerard fell asleep. I decided that I would lie beside him and rest, as well. I shut my eyes and curled behind him. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is part 2 of 15

 

 _If you’re at Mikey’s, stay there until tomorrow…if you can,_ my mom texted. It was right before we were going to check out. I put our stuff back on the ground and I realized we had no extra clothes. I didn’t care because it would be the first time I slept in the same clothes and didn’t change.

“Frank?” Gerard had said, yawning.

I whispered, “Yeah?”

“Was okay last night?” I hated the moments where he became self-conscious. “I feel like I wasn’t okay,” he added.

“If you’re asking if you were okay in sex, then yeah. You were better than okay.” I smiled at him and I had kissed his forehead. I bit my lip before saying, “I’m hungry. Wanna go get something to eat?” Gerard nodded. I took him by the hand and we walked to the nearest diner. We were seated by a waitress.

“What can I get you, Cutie?” she had said and she started to give Gerard a look.

“Um….” Gerard pursed his lips. “Coke, I guess.” His order had sounded more like a question instead of an answer.

“What about you, Sir?” She looked at me.

“Um, same thing for me, please,” I said. When she left, I started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“She was hitting on you!” I laughed.

“Oh. Really?” he said, and he had looked confused. His brow was furrowed and it was cute. “I…didn’t realize that?” he whispered.

“She called you _cute_ , Gerard.”

“Are…you angry? Are you jealous?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I just find it funny.”

“You’re really not jealous?” He was beyond belief. He didn’t believe me.

“Yeah, I’m not.”

“But normally boyfriends are jealous because of that…” he muttered.

“I’ll never be jealous just because of this. I promise.” I smiled at him.

I wasn’t expecting the waitress to come back, but when she did she gave Gerard his drink first then mine. I didn’t care because I had found it funny. Gerard didn’t because he kept giving me worried looks and I just smiled and shook my head at him. He looked down and took a sip of his drink.

“Okay, so…um, what would you guys like to eat?” the waitress asked.

I realized that I didn’t even look at the menu. I just asked for eggs and toast, and of course Gerard ordered the same thing as me. It didn’t take long for the waitress to be back. And when she came back the second time she started chatting with Gerard.

“So, um, are you guys staying at that motel? I’m not trying to be stalkerish, you know? It’s just I kind of saw you guys walking from there.”

“Yeah, we were,” I responded.

“How old are you guys?” she had asked.

“I’m sixteen.” I pointed to Gerard. “He’s eighteen.”

“Oh, cool! I’m eighteen, as well.” She giggled. “Where you guys coming or going to?”

I bit my lip. “Really we’re not going anywhere—we just thought we should take a break from the house.” She nodded. “Shouldn’t this be closed since it’s the holidays?”

She bit her lip. “I wish, but I have to stay here until eight-thirty.”

“That sucks,” Gerard finally butted in. “I wouldn’t want to work here.”

“It’s not that busy, though.” She looked around as we looked. There were only us and two other people. There were moments of silence until she spoke again, “Do you guys need anything?”

I looked at our drinks and I noticed Gerard’s wasn’t quite full. “Gerard could use another refill.”

“Gerard is a cute name,” she said as she giggled. “I’ll be back.”

“Oh my God,” Gerard whispered. “You’re right.”

We hurried and ate our food, and when the waitress came back, we asked for the check. She seemed disappointed that we were going to leave so quickly, but I brushed the look off. She left and the came back to give us our check. I left money on the table for her, and then I and Gerard stood up. Gerard yelped and I turned around to see why. The waitress stuck her hand in his back pocket. Gerard’s eyes widened and he blushed. I tried to hide in the giggles and when Gerard noticed the waitress left, he scowled at me as he took my hand. We walked out of the diner and back to our motel room.

When we were in the room, Gerard reached into his pocket to take out what was in there. It was a folded piece of paper. Gerard opened the piece of paper and looked at it before looking at me.

“It’s her number,” he had said, monotone.

I had laughed loudly. “What the heck,” I had finally said.

“I don’t want it.”

“Throw it away, then.”

“Okay.” He went into the bathroom and then he came back out after a minute. He hugged me before pulling away. “When do we have to leave?”

“We have to leave tomorrow.”

Gerard smirked. “We can—“

“No, I’m not in the mood.” I had already knew what he was about to say. I didn’t want to. I had just felt like relaxing with him. “Can’t we just relax and sleep in today? We go home tomorrow to open gifts. I don’t know why my mom didn’t want us to do it today…since its Christmas, but whatever.”

“She’s probably still shopping.”

“I thought she had gotten all her shopping done, though.”

Gerard shrugged. “I dunno, then.” Gerard kissed me slowly before he pulled back. There was a look on his face that I didn’t like.

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot to get you a gift.” Gerard pulled his hair. “I feel guilty! Fu—”

I shushed him with a kiss before I had spoken. “It’s okay.”

“I feel selfish. You got me gifts but I didn’t give you _anything_.” He had started to cry.

“Sh, Gerard—it’s okay! I don’t mind.” I smiled.

“Where’s my notepad—did I bring it?”

“I don’t think so, but like I said, I don’t mind that you didn’t get me anything because _you’re_ already my gift.” Gerard blushed. “You’re a very cute gift, too.” Gerard had started to protest, but I kissed him to stop him from speaking. “And you’re beautiful, too,” I said and then went back to kissing him. “Perfect.” Kiss. “Wonderful.” Kiss.

Gerard whimpered when I pulled back. “Can we please?”

There was something about his whimpering that had made me question him, but I decided that maybe I should give him his way. I nodded before I pushed him back on the bed. I started to undress us and I didn’t start or bother with the foreplay. I just had kissed him the entire time as I prepped him and when I pulled back and put the condom on was the only time I wasn’t kissing him. When I entered him, he bit my lip but I didn’t pull back. He tried to apologize but I just shook my head. My thrusts were gentle and no more than tiny inches out.

It didn’t feel like sex. It felt like we were making love. Gerard was responding very well, and he was making moans.  I kept kissing him and swallowing his moans and gasps. I let out little whimpers of my own.

“Gerard,” I said and had pulled back.

“Huh?” he whispered.

“Just…I wanted to tell you that you’re perfect—” I broke myself off with a moan. “Please believe me?”

Gerard shook his head. “I’m not, though.”

“Sh, yes you are.” I made myself thrust just a little faster.

“Faster,” he panted.

I shook my head. “Let’s take this slow. I wanna remember this moment.”

Gerard nodded. “I’m gonna—”

“Do it—you can do it, Gerard.” I grabbed his dick and started to stroke him faster than my thrusts. It didn’t take him that long to come in my fist. And as he did, he moaned my name. The moan was long and so were the aftershocks. I tried thrusting more but it was impossibly tight and it sent me over the edge not minutes later.

I kissed him before pulling out and throwing the condom in the trash. I cleaned our stomachs off and I had lain beside him. Gerard was breathing fast and he was sweaty. “That…that was different,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“It…it was different than anything I’ve done. It wasn’t sex, you know?”

I nodded. “I know what you mean.”

“It was different.” I ran my fingers through his hair and I cuddled beside him. I wrapped my arms around his chest and laid my head on his shoulder. I kissed his shoulder.

“You wanna get dressed?”

“Not really, but if you want me to, then I can.”

“I don’t care. I’m too lazy to get my clothes.”

Gerard laughed. “I am too.”

“At least I get to see you like this.” Gerard scowled. “You’re perfect, and it’s not like I haven’t seen your body. I just saw you…and I’m seeing you right now.”

Gerard giggled before he said with a sigh, “I’m fat.”

“Nah, you’re not.” I kissed his cheek. “Look, I got a belly.” I poked my pudgy stomach.

“That’s nothing compared to mine.”

“I don’t see fat, Gerard.”

“Liar,” he had muttered. He took my hand and placed it on his stomach. “See?”

“That’s not fat.” Gerard had rolled his eyes.

“I mean it, too.” Gerard pursed his lips and I kissed them. “You know you’re cheesy and cliché?”

“I don’t care because I know _you_ don’t care.”

“I really don’t.”

“Good.”

“But you spoil me, you know that, right?”

“I like spoiling you.”

“Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“I’m a cry baby, though.”

“No, you are not a cry baby.”

“When I don’t get my way, I do cry.”

“So? Everyone feels sad sometimes when they don’t get their way.”

Gerard huffed. It took a few minutes before he had spoken again. “These two days have been eventful.”

“These two _months_ have been eventful.”

“You’re right.”

“You know, our entire relationship for these two months has had ups and downs.” I had admitted that. It had been bundled up inside me until that moment. “But I’m here for you through thick and thin, Gerard.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“But I will forever be there for you—even if we don’t like each other. I’m willing to be there.”

Gerard had looked at me with the tears that had rimmed his eyes. He was holding something back. I wanted to know. “I know.”

“What’s wrong—?”

Gerard shook his head. “You’ll know when the time comes, Frank. I promise.” His voice broke and I wish I could’ve read his thoughts at that moment. I wish I’d known. I wish I could’ve helped. I needed help.

“Why can’t you tell me now, Gerard?” My throat had felt dry because I was scared as to what he might’ve said.

“It’s…it’s nothing. I can’t…I’ll tell you later, alright?”

“Do you promise to tell me?”

“I swear I will.” He kissed me and I kissed him back.

“We’re a messed up couple,” I said.

“I know.”

“Usually, couples don’t experience so much that we have until later in their relationship. Have you realized that?”

Gerard nodded slowly. “Yeah…I have.”

“But that doesn’t mean I won’t support you like I said.”

“I want to get dressed now.” Gerard stood up and put on his boxers. He picked up his shirt. “Oh…EW—that’s… _gross_. There is…um.” I chuckled. I forgot that we didn’t have an extra shirt. Good thing I brought my jacket. I could let him wear that until tomorrow and walk home in it.

“That’s nasty, oh my God,” Gerard had kept going.

“I guess that means you’re going to be shirtless until tomorrow….” I smirked and I had wiggled my eyebrow. “I think that’s okay.”

Gerard bit his lip. “No, it’s really not.”

“How isn’t it?”

“I’m _fat_ , Frank.”

“Gerard, do I really have to go over with you again?” I said. “You’re _not_ fat.”

“Yes, I am, Frank.”

I shook my head. “You’re perfect, Gerard. Okay?”

“No,” Gerard whispered, “I’m not.”

“Why don’t you believe me? Do you think I’m lying?”

“I just—”

“If you think I’m lying, then that’s really hurtful.” I huffed before I had said, “I thought you trusted me?”

“I do trust you considering I let you _fuck_ me, Frank!” Gerard yelled. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have let you, Jesus Christ.”

“Don’t speak to me like that,” I had muttered. “I don’t like it.”

Gerard looked down. I could tell that he was ashamed. “I’m sorry, Frank.”

“It’s whatever,” I had whispered quietly.

“It’s not just whatever, Frank.” He came closer to me and tried to kiss me, but I refused and walked away. I went to the bathroom to cool down.

“Are you going to stay in there the rest of the day?” he asked.

I didn’t answer him.

“Frank?”

I still didn’t answer him.

I had kept quiet.

“Frank, please answer me?” he whispered.

“Leave me alone,” I said. This time my voice was monotone.

“But—”

“ _Leave_ me alone, Gerard.” I was at that time still monotone.

“Okay,” he finally had said.

I heard him walking away from the door and I heard him sitting on the bed. He must’ve flopped down on the bed because I heard the springs make noise. I ignored it and covered my ears as I had rocked back and forth.

I covered my ears even harsher because I heard whimpering. I wasn’t going to let his crying get to me. He shouldn’t have talked to me like that. I didn’t like it and he had ignored my feelings. I’m ignoring his. I didn’t care at that moment that he was crying or whimpering, or even stomping back and forth. I didn’t care that he was gasping either.

I was angry. I was upset.

I knew that, when I cooled down, that I was going to forgive Gerard. But at that exact moment, I couldn’t bring myself to get out of this bathroom. I didn’t feel like I could without yelling at him. He probably would freak out if I did. I didn’t want him relapsing. Who knew what he’d do. He has different tricks up his sleeves. Sometimes, he actually means what he does or he does it because I’ve hurt him.

I couldn’t take it at that moment.

 

I had taken two hours until I was able to bring myself out of that bathroom. When I walked out, I could tell that Gerard had cried and was nervous. He was shaking and he didn’t like the look that I had given him.

“I’m sorry, Frank—”

“Stop it.” I stopped him before he tried to make me angry again. “Just let me forget what you said.”

Gerard nodded before wrapping himself in the blanket and curled into a ball. “Frank?” he had whispered.

“What, Gerard?”

“Are you going to hit me?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“You can since I hurt you.”

“ _Stop_ it, Gerard.” Gerard had cried and I sighed. I went to go sit in the chair beside the window. I looked outside.

I just wanted this day to end. I wanted to go home. I wanted Gerard to stop downing himself. I wanted to forget this day but it has always been in my mind.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is NOT the end
> 
> also...if you're triggered by self harm, leave
> 
> it only gets worse
> 
> sorry
> 
> theres also pics gonna be posted at the last chapter to this chapter

 

I woke up and I had realized that I had fallen asleep on the table. I yawned and stretched, and my back cracked. I got up and saw that Gerard was asleep. I sighed before I walked over and sat on the bad with him.

“Gerard, wake up.” I shook him awake. “We need to leave.”

Gerard grunted. “Fine,” he said. He seemed that he was still angry.

“Are you mad?” I said. “Are you mad that I didn’t sleep beside you?”

Gerard had shaken his head. “No, Frank. I’m not angry.” He got out of his bed and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. I had cleaned myself up as he did. And eventually, he walked out with a scowl on his face.

“Here,” I said as I gave him my jacket and gave him his pants.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry,” I had said.

“For what?” he snapped. “What do _you_ have to be sorry for, Frank?”

“I ignored you. I wasn’t there when you were upset.”

“I don’t care—I made you upset. It’s _my_ fault.” Gerard punched his thigh because he couldn’t punch the wall. “How can you be here still?”

“Because I want to help you,” I had told him. “You’re my _boyfriend_ and I told you yesterday that I’m here through thick and thin.”

“How can you be?” he whispered. “I just—I’m a _mess_ , Frank.”

“You’re not—”

“Don’t stand there in lie to my face,” he snapped.

“Gerard! I’m not lying.”

“Really, you’re not?” he said sarcastically.

“I’m not going to ruin this day by fighting. We need to get home before my mom starts questioning.”

“Whatever, fine.”

Gerard picked up our stuff and we walked out the door, and returned our key. We walked outside and I had wondered if he wanted me to take his hand. I risked it and did it anyway. I could tell that, at first, he didn’t, but he let me anyway. I had smiled a little and we walked home.

When we were finally home and inside, I saw my mom in the kitchen fixing turkey and other foods. The smell filled my nose and I hummed, Gerard did, as well. We walked into the kitchen and I said, “Mom, do you need help?”

“No, you boys are fine. Go relax before we open gifts.” She smiled and shooed us off.

Gerard and I walked upstairs and into my room. Gerard sat on the bed and I stayed near the wall. We just looked at each other and I could tell this was a different type of silence that neither one of us had liked. This was the awkward silence. I hadn’t liked it.

“Can you take my apology?” I asked.

“Can _you_ take mine?” he whispered harshly.

“Only if you take mine,” I said.

“Fine, I’ll take yours.” He walked over to me and kissed me. I felt tears on his cheeks.

“Can you tell me what was wrong that you couldn’t tell me?” I had whispered.

Gerard had pulled away and looked down. “I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“I just…I don’t—” Gerard cut himself off with a sigh. “I just don’t know how you’ll take it.”

“You can tell me. I promise, Gerard.”

Gerard shook his head. “No. You’ll find out when the time comes.”

I scowled, but my mom called us down before I had even said anything. Gerard and I walked downstairs and sat at the table. My mom gave us plates and silverware. She served us the food and I smiled because Gerard had smiled. He seemed that he was happy despite the tears that were going to stream down his cheeks. I had seen that he was refusing to cry in front of my mom. I took his hand and squeezed it. He looked at me and I looked at him.

“Thank you,” he said to my mom. “This is very nice of you.” He took a bite of the food and started to eat.

“You’re welcome, Gerard.” She had smiled. She didn’t notice that he was holding back tears. Just like nobody saw the pain he was always in besides me. Nobody knew. He was broken. His childhood was ripped away from him and he was brought in by torture and _hurt_.

I ignored the thoughts that bugged me and just ate. After we all ate, my mother brought us into the living room to open gifts. She separated them and handed each and every one to the right person. Gerard opened his as he thanked us. I opened mine and my mom opened the gifts I got her.

“Oh my,” Gerard gasped. “Thank you.” I looked at the gift and saw that he got more CDs and a new sketchbook.

“I know it’s not much, but I know how much you love music and drawing,” my mom had told him.

“It’s lovely, Linda,” he had said. He opened the presents I got him. It looked like he was about to cry. All I got him was a picture of us that we had taken. I wrote him a poem too. I didn’t care that it was cheesy. “Oh my God, Frank,” he said, laughing. “I love your gift too.”

We were about to stand up before my mom spoke again. “Gerard and Frank,” she said, “I got you another gift.”

I frowned. I didn’t see any other presents. “What—?”

My mother cut me off. “Here,” she said. She had handed me a small box with a hotel room card. I looked at Gerard and smirked. “I’m going out with my friends again, and I realized that maybe you guys didn’t feel like staying in this house for two days. And who knows where _he_ is.” She grinded, I noticed.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You guys can leave today, if you want.”

I looked at Gerard and grinned when he grinned. “Yeah, we’ll leave today.”

“Okay!” she said. “Get your stuff packed and we’ll leave.”

Gerard and I walked upstairs, and our hands were clasped together. We let go only to gather our stuff. I noticed Gerard gathered more shirts than necessary. I laughed. He looked at me and laughed.

“You never know…” his voice was seductive. He wiggled his eye brows and butt. It had only made me chuckle even more.

“You’re silly.” I shook my head as I gathered more of my stuff. I gathered everything—even stuff that I really hadn’t wanted.

When we were finished, we walked downstairs and showed my mom that we were ready to leave. She smiled and got her car keys, and shooed us off into the car. We buckled up when we were in the car. I held Gerard’s hand and smiled at him. I had only hoped that this stay would be great. I had hoped there were no fights.

 

I hadn’t realized that we had gotten there so quickly until Gerard was pulling on my hand and telling me to come on. I walked out of the car with him and mom. When we were inside, my mother showed us where our room was. She kissed my forehead and hugged Gerard before leaving. Gerard hugged me and pulled back with a smirk.

“You know…she’s gone. I think I’ve stayed in these before when I was little. They have thick walls, Frank,” he whispered seductively in my ear. He grabbed my crotch through my jeans and I groaned. It hurt. It didn’t feel pleasant.

“Ow, Gerard,” I had hissed. I pulled his hand away and just kissed him. “You grabbed me too hard.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” He had seemed like he meant it. “But do you…want to?”

I bit my lip. “Not right now, Gerard.” Gerard looked down. “I just…I’m tired, and I want to cuddle while we watch a movie on the TV.”

Gerard nodded. We climbed on the bed and I wrapped my arms around him. He sighed and he had put his head on my chest, and he put his arm around me. He looked up at me and I looked down at him. He bit his lip. He had been holding something back.

“What’s wrong, Gerard?” I said.

Gerard had shaken his head. “I don’t want to tell you just yet.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how.”

“Just say it—blurt it out, please?”

Gerard had swallowed. “Let me just enjoy this moment, Frank.” He smiled despite the tears that had threatened to fall. “You’ll know soon enough.”

“Is it something bad?” I had been desperate to know at that moment. I wish I had known at that moment. I wish I could’ve put him out of his misery. “Can I help you?”

“No.” He shook his head. “There is no way to help.”

“I don’t want to have a fight!” I said, loudly. “But I _need_ to know.”

“You don’t _need_ to know anything, Frank.” He sighed loudly. “You can’t know right now.”

“Why can’t I? Is it about me?”

“No. It’s not about you. It’s about _me_.”

“So, it’s the whole “it’s not you, it’s me”?”

“We’re not breaking up, if you think it’s that,” he said tiredly, “unless…you want to breakup.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to break up with you.”

“That’s nice to hear,” he had said.

“Is it about me saying no to have sex?”

“No.”

“No.”

“What is it?”

“Stop asking,” Gerard snapped. “Obviously, I don’t want to tell you at this exact moment.”

“Fine,” I huffed. We went to silence. It was the silence I didn’t like.

 

A couple hours later, our silence was getting tiring and we were both hungry. We called for pizza and I paid the delivery guy. I sat the pizza on the table and told Gerard that it was here. He got up and got a piece at the same time I did. We ate in silence, as well.

When we were finished eating half the pizza, Gerard got up to take a shower. “You want to take one with me?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Sure.” I got up and got out our boxers. Gerard turned the hot and cold water on before having me and him step in the shower. Gerard shampooed my hair and conditioned his. I did the same and it was funny as the soapy suds fell off his nose. I made a mohawk with his hair. He did the same as me. I rinsed his hair and he did the same for me. We cleaned our own bodies ourselves, but Gerard didn’t let me out. He pushed me up against the wall. I let out a discontent sound when he pushed his tongue inside my mouth.

Gerard pulled back and started to kiss my neck. He placed kisses on my neck and collarbone as he had rubbed my side. I would’ve admitted that it felt good and my dick had started to take interest in the pleasure. His hand started going lower and lower until it reached my cock. I let out a loud moan as he started to stroke me immediately. His grip was just right and he thumbed the head just right. The pleasure kept making me moan and I squeezed my eyes shut. I could already feel the burn in my stomach and my toes curled.

“Don’t come yet,” Gerard whispered and let go.

I let out a disappointed moan. “Why can’t I?”

“Because I want you to make love with me,” he had stated.

I sighed. “Why do you feel we should have sex?”

“It makes me feel good when you do it.”

I had raised an eyebrow. “You want to make love in the shower?”

“Mmhmm,” he hummed. I decided to let him have what he wanted.

I was about to step out of the shower, but Gerard grabbed my wrist.

“Gerard—” Gerard shook his head and he had prepped himself with the water that was flowing from the shower head. He winced when his first finger went inside. “Gerard, _stop_ it,” I demanded. Gerard pulled his fingers out and sighed. I had taken his hand and led him to the bed. I gently pushed him down and got on top of him. I bent down and kissed his lips softly. I pulled back and brushed his black, wet hair out of his face.

“I really like how you look at me,” he had admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“You look at me like…like I’m rare or special?” he said. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“I know what you mean,” I said. “But I look at you like that because you _are_ special.” Gerard had tried to protest, but I shushed him with a kiss. The kiss was long and special. I placed my arms near his head and held his face because he kept trying to pull away and protest against me.

Eventually, I did have to let go. When I did, Gerard was flushed and he had swollen lips. He was breathing hard. He looked at me as he said, “You can go get the stuff.”

I got off of him and went to get the lube and condoms out of the bag. I had bent down and I heard Gerard giggle. I had turned fully over and I asked, “What’s funny?”

“You have a cute butt,” he said.

I shook my head and got the stuff. I walked back over and began to prep Gerard very slowly. After a while, I entered another finger and I saw Gerard wince. I kissed his stomach and I felt his cock twitch when I got to it. I licked the head and Gerard’s hips lifted. He moaned loudly as I took his entire length in my mouth, but I soon released him out of my mouth. I kissed down his length and behind his balls before moving back up. I kissed the entire way up until I reached his nipples. I sucked one into my mouth before I added another finger in Gerard’s entrance. Gerard made a noise and I couldn’t decipher if it was out of pleasure or pain.

I looked up at him and he look pure blissed. I took my fingers out few minutes later and put the condom on and squirted a large amount on my covered dick. I lifted Gerard’s hips up and entered him slowly. It was inch by inch until I was fully inside him. Gerard made a face that I could only tell that he was in discomfort even though we’ve done this before. I kissed him to see if it would go away.

Gerard pulled away. “You can move now.”

I slowly pulled out and Gerard dug his finger nails in my back. They had felt like they were an inch deep. Gerard closed his eyes and just kept putting his nails in my back. I had bent down and kissed his neck as I made my thrusts a little faster. I hit his protest on every second to third thrust. He kept mewling and making tiny gasps or moans. They sounded like he was in Heaven instead of the Hell he had lived with.

Gerard’s back arched when I had hit his prostate hard. I hadn’t meant to thrust harder in him, but he enjoyed it. I went at the speed where I hit his prostate hard. His moaning got louder and louder, but it soon turned to gasps. I pulled away from his neck and saw that he was working his hand up and down his cock. It took him a few more strokes until he came all over our stomachs. I tried thrusting a little bit longer, but I couldn’t because of how tight and I couldn’t last that long.

I kissed Gerard when I finished and when I started to get soft, I pulled out and tied the condom off before throwing it away. I got back to the bed and saw that Gerard was reaching for his shirt to clean himself. I took the shirt and cleaned myself. When we were finished, Gerard made me climb beside him on the bed. I ran my fingers through his hair and he stroked my chest. When he stopped, I noticed that he had fallen asleep.

 

 

I woke not only two hours later. Gerard was no longer near me, but he was near the wall rocking back and forth. I got out of bed and went near him. I saw that he was wearing his boxers. I sat next to him but he shrieked and stood up. He had stood up so fast that his back hit the end table.

“Gerard, what’s wrong?”

“You made me bleed!” he whimpered.

“What?”

“I didn’t fucking stutter,” he snapped.

“I didn’t—” I was at a loss. I hadn’t made him bleed. “I didn’t make you bleed. What are you talking about?”

“You made me bleed.” He had pronounced each and every word slowly. “I bled.”

“But…I didn’t do it very hard.”

“Well, obviously you did.”

“Are you limping?”

“Yes, and I haven’t in forever.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Did your fucking cock grow that quickly?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Gerard scowled. “I fucking mean it, asshole.”

“Um, not-not that I know of,” I said. I looked down at my penis and looked back up at Gerard. “I could measure it for you? Last time I checked it was five inches.”

“What the fuck,” he whispered. he whispered. “It looks bigger than that.”

I walked closer to Gerard and hugged him. I kissed his forehead and pulled back before saying, “I’m sorry—like, I really am.”

“If you’re sorry, then why do you keep giggling?”

“I’m laughing because of what you said.”

“It was a serious question, you immature freak.”

“I’m your immature freak.”

“Well, fuck,” he said, faking frustration. “Am I stuck with you now?”

“Mhmm,” I said. I kissed him before saying, “Forever.”

“Yeah,” he said, “forever.” There was a tone in his voice that I didn’t like.

“What’s wrong, Gerard?”

Gerard shook his head. “Nothing, nothing’s wrong.” He smiled at me and kissed me. “How about we go back to bed?”

I nodded and looked outside, and saw that it was somewhat dark. “Okay.” Gerard had taken my head and wrapped us up in the blanket when we were on the bed. I kissed him goodnight. He shut his eyes and I shut my eyes.

I couldn’t fall asleep at that moment, though. I was too worried about what was going inside his mind. I had wanted know his troubled thoughts were. I wish I could’ve helped him. I wish I could’ve made him a happier person. I didn’t even care at that moment if I had to die and give him happiness. I know that it didn’t make sense, but I wanted to give Gerard anything.

I forced myself to sleep.

 

It was around eight in the morning when I woke up again. I looked at Gerard and he was sound asleep. My stomach made a loud noise and I debated whether or not that I should wake Gerard up. I shrugged and waited awhile. I got dressed and busied myself by watching TV, and it didn’t take Gerard that long to wake up. He yawned and looked at me, and he complained that he was hungry.

“Yeah, me too,” I said. “You want to go get some food?”

“Yeah.” He nodded and went to the bathroom to wash his face and get dressed. He walked back out and we took a hold of each other’s hand. We walked out of the hotel and walked to the diner. We took a seat at a table where the waiter sat us at. He asked us what he wanted to drink and gave us menus. I ordered a coke and Gerard did, as well.

I kissed Gerard’s forehead before saying, “I have to use the bathroom.” Gerard nodded. I went to the bathroom and peed. I washed my hands and walked back out.

I had noticed Gerard was looking down and he stuffed something in his pocket with a sigh and a sniffle. I had walked back over to the table and sat down. I rubbed his hand, but he put it under the table.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “I’m just…a little tired.”

I had let him lie because the waiter came back and asked what we wanted to eat. We choose our food and we waited until it came. We ate in silence when it came to our table. I didn’t know whether it was a note Gerard had written or if it was another number someone sat on the table, or it might’ve been what Gerard was hiding. I wish I could’ve read his mind.

When we were finished with our food, we paid and left. I took Gerard’s hand, but he yanked it out of mine. I looked at him confused. I walked to the hotel and we checked into our room. When we were inside, Gerard slammed the door.

“Gerard, what’s wrong?” I had asked.

“Nothing, nothing, nothing,” he kept muttering.

“That’s a lie!” I said. “Tell me what’s wrong _now_ , Gerard.”

“No,” Gerard growled. “There’s nothing wrong.”

“Then what’s on that piece of paper you stuffed in your pocket?”

“It’s nothing.” He started laughing. It wasn’t his normal laugh. I don’t know what kind of laugh it was.

“ _Gerard_ , tell me!” I yelled. “Why do I have to force information out of you?”

Gerard laughed. “You don’t have to do anything.”

“You’re making no fucking sense,” I huffed. “Just tell me what is wrong and what is on that paper.”

Gerard had slid down the wall. “These thoughts are what are wrong.”

“I don’t—”

“You don’t get it, of course.”

“Explain to me, then.”

“No one gets it.” Tears had fallen down his cheeks. “No one understands these things.”

“You don’t explain.” Gerard looked at me. “I’ll try and understand if you only explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain.”

“Everything has an explanation, Gerard.”

“All I can tell you is that there are voices.”

“What are the voices saying?”

“I can’t tell you.” Gerard shook his head.

“You can tell me anything.”

“You won’t believe me when I say it.”

“Of course I will. You just got to tell me.”

Gerard put his chin on his knees and wrapped his arms around his knees. He stared at the floor before looking back at me. “I can’t…I can’t do this anymore, Frank.”

“Wait, what do you mean?”

“I can’t get rid of _him_ that always lingers on my body.”

“Sure you can.”

“See! You already are saying that I _can_.” Gerard threw his hands in the air. “I _can’t_ —at least not forever.” Gerard stood up and walked over to me. He cornered me to a wall and pushed me against it as he took off his boxers. He kissed me before hugging me tightly. I had felt the tears that were fresh on his cheeks. I had heard him sniffle. “Can we do it?”

“No, Gerard.” I didn’t feel like I could’ve gotten up considering he had been crying. I hadn’t wanted to disappoint him, though.

“Fine, Frank.” Gerard had let out a hard breath.

Gerard had walked away from me. I said, “Where are you going?” but he didn’t answer me. I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. Gerard had glared at me. I walked toward him but he had taken a step back. “Where are you going?” I repeated.

No answer.

“Say something, Gerard!” I said, loudly.

Gerard just looked at me. He had a sad but yet angry look on his face. He looked like he was about to break down but yet he looked like he wanted to hit me. His emotions had been confused. He had been breathing harshly. He didn’t answer me. His nostrils flared and he had looked like a bull that was going to attack me.

“Gerard, answer me,” I demanded, “or else!”

“Or else what, Frank?” he said. “Are you going to smack me?”

“No.”

“Then I’m allowed to ignore you.”

“Just _tell_ me where you’re going!”

Gerard glared and didn’t answer me.

“I’m about to give up.”

“Do you really want to know where I’m going, Frank?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to know the harsh truth?” he said, “The harsh truth that will devastate you?”

“Just tell me—tell me _whatever_ it is.”

“I’m saying goodbye.”

“What do you mean by that?” My throat had felt like it was dry or that I was choking. “Gerard, what do you mean by ‘goodbye’?”

“I’m saying goodbye.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“No.” Gerard shook his head.

“What do you mean, then?”

Gerard looked like he was going to cry, but he had refused to do so. “I’m leaving.”

“You’re leaving—”

“I’m leaving this world, Frank.”

“What the f—” I let out a breath. “You’re not!”

“You can’t tell me what to do anymore.”

“You’re only doing it because I said no, aren’t you?”

Gerard had shaken his head. “No.”

“You’re just not getting your way.”

“I don’t care anymore.”

“You’re doing this for attention, aren’t you?” I said, furiously. “You’re thinking that if I let you guilt-trip me, that I’ll fuck you, isn’t that right?”

“Frank, you know what?”

“What?” I growled.

“Here’s a better explanation: I’m killing myself because of everything that I’ve endured.”

“You just want me to say yes.”

Gerard growled. “No!”

“I’m giving up.”

“You’re giving up just like everyone else in my life—even _Mikey_ gave up on looking for me years ago.”

“That’s a lie and I’m _only_ giving up because I know you’re not going to do it.”

“I am going to do it.”

“Really, you’re going to do it.”

Gerard didn’t answer me.

“See, this is why I’m giving up.” I pointed to him. “You say nothing when I ask what’s wrong. You don’t answer me! I try and help and all you do is look at me. When I say no to do anything physical, you freak out and say you’re going to harm yourself.”

“You always stop me.”

“I always know you’re not going to do it.”

“Do you think I’m pathetic?”

I didn’t answer him.

“Answer me, Frank.”

“Honestly, you are sometimes.”

Gerard nodded. “Ah, yes, the final truth comes out.” Gerard walked away from me and got into our bag of stuff to get out a rag. I had figured he was just taking a shower. I went to go sit on the bed.

I had lay back on the bed and turned the TV on. I heard the toilet seat being sat down and I had also figured that Gerard was sitting his things there. I closed my eyes. I heard a thump a couple minutes later and my eyes snapped open. I looked to the bathroom. I knocked on it and I said, “Gerard, you okay?”

There was no answer besides a tiny gasp. I furrowed my brow and then panic started to set in. I started to twist the door knob, but it wouldn’t budge the door open. I ran away and back into the door with all my might as I twisted the door knob.

It still didn’t open.

I kept trying and trying until the door finally opened.

[](http://s1292.photobucket.com/user/mychemicallyromance/media/martart_zps592b59c7.jpg.html)

It had felt like everything in my body had dropped and it felt like I was going to pass out or puke. There was blood leaking from the wounds on Gerard’s wrists, arms, and the outsides and insides of his thighs. There was blood everywhere. There was even blood from his nose from where his face hit the toilet.

I had slammed to my knees and turned Gerard over. I checked his pulse. It was barely there. I tried getting Gerard back to consciousness, but nothing was working. He wouldn’t open his eyes. I pulled my body and called 911. I told them where I was.

They were there in no time.

I was pushed out of the way and Gerard was pushed up into the ambulance. They were about to close the doors, but I said, “I’m getting on.”

“Sir, are you family?” the lady said.

“I’m his boyfriend.”

She let me on and closed the door. The driver had sped off and everything had seemed to be a blur.

One minute we were at the hotel and the one minute we were at the hospital. They pushed me out of the ambulance and pulled Gerard out and into the ER. I walked to the waiting room, and with shaky hands, I called my mom and then Mikey telling them where we were.

My mom must have picked up Mikey because they had arrived at the same time. My mom came rushing over to me and so did Mikey. My mom hugged me and I could tell that she had been crying and I looked at Mikey. It was the first time that he had let me see him cry. He had been crying openly and not turning away. He hugged me and I squeezed him.

 

My mom, Mikey and I were just hugging each other for what seemed like hours. It was until the doctors came walking out of the room.

I knew what that had meant, but that hadn’t made me ready for what they had said.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said. “We didn’t get to him in time.”

I kept blinking back tears. “He’s—”

The doctor nodded. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's more

It felt like my world had come crashing down and my heart shattered into a thousands of pieces. It felt like I was dying at that moment. It hadn’t felt real. I had thought it was dream—I was _praying_ it was a dream and that Gerard was still alive.

“What?” My voice was high-pitched as I had struggled back tears.

“I’m sorry.” That was all the doctor had said. He had walked away and out of the waiting room.

I looked at Mikey and my mom. My mom’s face had been red from all the crying and Mikey’s face was turned red, as well. I could tell that my face was red and I had been sure it was from crying _and_ anger that was boiling up inside me.

I felt like kicking the wall. I had felt like punching the stupid doctors. I had felt like screaming. I had felt like punching myself enough so that _I_ could die. I had felt like dying. I never had felt that way so much until then.

I ran out of that hospital and all the way back to that hotel. I walked and had gotten lost some times until I found the right place and right room. I walked inside and grabbed my stuff. I stuffed everything in my bag and when I got to Gerard’s things, I felt like ripping anything that was his. But I didn’t. Of course I didn’t. I just grabbed it and looked at it, and I stuffed it in my bag.

I had felt my phone buzz, but I ignored it. It was either Mikey or my mom. I hadn’t felt like talking to anyone. I had felt like dying. I wanted to die now. I wanted to be with Gerard.

I ignored my thoughts and kept gathering my things. I walked into the bathroom to see if Gerard had left anything in there. But that was when I realized there were pills strung out on the floor. Gerard didn’t die from cutting himself so many times; he died because of an overdose.

Something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. I looked over and it was a note. I had been hesitant to pick it up. I hadn’t known at that time as to how I would react because what might be in there. I picked it up anyway despite the fear.

I took a deep breath and began to read.

_Dear Frank,_

_I want to say that I’m sorry for what I’m about to do. I want you to know that it isn’t because you said no, and I don’t want you to feel guilty. This isn’t your fault. I’ve felt this way even during the happiest moments of my life. I know it might be selfish or stupid, but I can’t take the pain anymore._

_The memories and the feelings just come back to haunt me. I don’t think they’ll go away if I keep living. I know you’re going to be sad, but don’t feel it. We both knew this is how the end of the story is going to be._

_We both knew that I’m not strong enough to keep living._

_My father took away my strength, my pride, and my happiness. He took away my childhood and any happiness I once had._

_I loved spending time with you, but…I want you to know that. I want you to move on._

_Close this book and never open it again. This story of us is over. My story is finished._

_Goodbye._

_I love you, Frank._

I finished the letter and tears started streaming down my face. His messy handwriting told me about his pain. He said the three little words that we both never admitted to each other yet. I wish I could’ve said them to him. I wish I could’ve helped. But he was right, we both knew that this was how the story was going to end.

I laughed. My story isn’t finished even though his story is.

His story had been tragic.

There’s no more Gerard, but there was a knock on the door.

I walked to the door and saw that it was my mom. She didn’t look mad that I had ignored her phone calls. She looked worried and sad. She hugged me before walking us out the hotel. My mom drove Mikey home and then she drove us home. When we went into our rooms, I slammed my door.

I hated that Gerard’s story was finished, but yet my story wasn’t even halfway through. I had time, but even though the clock was ticking, I had years to go, unless I chose the time to end for myself.

I couldn’t do that, though but who knew what I had been capable of at that time.

I looked around the room and saw Gerard’s drawings, writings, clothes, and cologne. I went to his shirts and I had smelled them. I hadn’t cared if it was creepy, but I had already missed that smell of his. There was something unique about it. I put down the shirt and stuffed all his clothes in a bag.

I looked around the room and at Gerard’s stuff. I walked to the bedside table and opened Gerard’s sketchbook. Normally Gerard wouldn’t let me touch it or let me even look at it. He would always say it’s personal, but there was a note on it that said “ _Frank_ ”. I opened it and the first thing that I saw was little drawings of me. There was a drawing of the first time I saw him. There were drawings of him and me, or there were just drawings of memories he’s had. There were painful and there were good memories.

I couldn’t look at it anymore. There was a memory of when we sat on the couch together. It didn’t seem like much, but to us, it meant a lot more than anyone could ever know or understand. They wouldn’t have understood the love that was there.

I had realized, only moments later, that Gerard wasn’t happy even though he showed it in that picture.

All those smiles and all those laughs had been fake.

He was a fake and he didn’t want to show his true self.

He was scared.

I hated that even before he died that he was still scared. I should’ve known. I threw the sketchbook and a lone piece of paper had fallen out. I walked over and picked it up. The words on it seemed to be bits and pieces of songs or maybe just words.

_How could you cry for me?_

_Cause I don't feel bad about it._

_So shut your eyes,_

_Kiss me goodbye,_

_And sleep._

_Just sleep._

 

There was more…but on other pages. I slowly turned it and read more of the words.

_Sometimes I see flames. And sometimes I see people that I love dying and... it's always..._

_And I can't... I can't ever wake up._

I folded the paper and stuffed it in my pocket. I threw away his sketchbook. I didn’t need that thing in my face.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE ARE TRIGGERS IN HERE.
> 
> THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, CUTTING AND...well the usual.
> 
> OH HEY CHECK OUT THE ART MY FRIEND MADE ON THE SUICIDE CHAPTER

refuse to go, but my mother told me to go. She was angry that I kept refusing. I didn’t care, but eventually, I did do as I had been told. I had been pissed because who would want to see their dead boyfriend laying in a coffin?

I hadn’t wanted to.

When I had been ready and dressed, I had been dragged into the car with my mom and then we picked up Mikey. Mikey seemed that he didn’t want to go, but he had felt the need to pay his respects. I didn’t want to. It’s not because I didn’t love Gerard—I _loved_ him more than anything that I’ve loved in my entire life. He seemed to have been the love of my life, but our love had ended badly and suddenly. He ripped my heart in two and took the other half. My heart will never be the same again.

“Frank,” my mother scolded, “why don’t you just get that angry look off your face? You need to pay your respects.”

“Mom, who wants to see their dead boyfriend?” I had shouted. “I don’t want to see him, but yet you’re dragging me here.”

“I’m only dragging you here so you can pay your respects, young man,” she scolded again. “You don’t need to get that attitude with me.”

“I’m sorry, but do you see what I mean?” My voice broke.

“I do see.”

When we arrived to the funeral house, my legs started to shake and I started to shake. I opened the door for Mikey and my mom. We walked inside. I felt like I was going to be sick, but I had to _pay my respects_. I forced myself in the room where Gerard’s coffin was. The coffin was open and I slowly walked to it.  When I was at the coffin, I saw Gerard’s black hair and his eyes were closed. He was in a formal suit and he didn’t look like himself. He looked like a different person. There was makeup on him and I didn’t want that there. This was not the Gerard that I normally saw even if that Gerard was a fake.

I couldn’t take looking at it anymore and I went to sit down all the way in the back. I watched as only the few people that were there: the priest, my mom, Mikey, and my father even if he didn’t know Gerard. It had seemed sadder than I realized that Gerard didn’t have family or that many friends. He had only had three people in his life that had seemed to care about him. This wouldn’t affect anyone at school.

I think he already knew that.

It didn’t take long until it was time for us to listen to the priest. We closed our eyes and we prayed. We stood up and listened as he talked on and on about how happy Gerard was and the happy family he had, and the support against the scars on his wrist, but what I was hearing was lies. They weren’t the things I knew. I spoke out.

“Lies!” I hissed. “You’re lying.”

“Sh!” my mother half-screamed/half-whispered.

“You’re telling lies, Father.”

“How am I, boy?”

“Gerard was never happy and…” I took a breath and let it out. “Gerard, he…didn’t have support from his family. His father…do you see him?” The priest looked around and looked at my dad. “No, that’s not his father—that’s _my_ father. His father abused him. His father took away the happiness he had once had and tortured him for years. Do you call that happy? Are you realizing that you’re lying about someone you never even knew?”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s…whatever.” I sat back down.

The ceremony kept going despite my outburst. I couldn’t stand it. I walked out and into the bathroom. I looked at my tear-stained face. I looked at the weakness and the red on my cheeks. Maybe this was what Gerard felt despite the crawling-feeling that was there. Maybe, sometimes, he couldn’t help the tears even though he was angry. I can’t help the tears.

I felt like busting the mirror in the boys’ bathroom. I couldn’t, though because it was a church. I would be disrespecting it. I looked at myself again. I put my hands on the sink and just closed my eyes.

I was startled when I heard a voice. I knew that voice, but it couldn’t have been him. It couldn’t have been Gerard.

“What,” I said.

“ _Go home,”_ the voice said. _“Don’t come back.”_

I refused to think that I was going insane because of all this. I slammed my fist on my thigh and then the wall. Screw God. Fuck him all to Hell. If God was real, then why did Gerard have to get this shitty life? He didn’t deserve this one single bit. I’m going to Hell. I can scream all the curse words at him. I hope, if he is real, that he sees that I’m angry.

I want him to take me instead…and bring back Gerard. I don’t think I can live without Gerard.

I loved him.

He was my love.

I walked home and when I reached home, I had started puking in the bathroom until I was finished. I walked into my room and just sat down on the floor as I rocked back and forth. I wanted to know what it felt like to Gerard to cut. I wondered if it helped him like he had said before.

I had wanted to try, but I didn’t know if it would disrespect him.

I didn’t care. I took the razor that I hid and sliced my arm to bits. The blood just kept flowing and flowing and I eventually stopped. The blood got on my pants.

It took me a while to realize what I just did.

I made a mistake.

I shouldn’t have done that.

I started to cry and I tried stopping the blood. It eventually did and I felt guilty.

I couldn’t keep doing this.

I needed help but I refused.

I figured out a way to stop the guilt and pain and tears and weakness that has been bundled up inside me as I saw one of Gerard’s scarfs on my dresser.

I had an idea. It would end the pain.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the shortest chapter i have ever written.
> 
> im sorry, but... on the brighter side, i'm going to be writing another story! it's a kind of messed up love story, though.

I walked over to the scarf and picked it up in my hands. It felt soft but thick. I looked around until I found the chair in my room. I looked at the fan. I climbed on the chair and I felt my heart race a million times a beat, it seemed. I felt my stomach drop and I hadn’t believed that I was going to do it. I swallowed thickly.

I tied one end to the fan and the other around my neck with shaky hands.

I wondered if this was how Gerard felt before he had committed suicide. I wondered if he felt much more pain than I am feeling now.

I didn’t care.

I took a deep breath before I made sure the scarf was tight around my neck. I felt tears run down my face. I thought of all the bad things in my entire life so that I hadn’t backed out. I thought about Gerard. I thought that maybe I had written my mom a letter, but I didn’t want her keeping something like that. I hadn’t wanted to think about my mother all that much.

I closed my eyes.

I kicked the chair away beneath my feet.

My body had struggled for air for only moments before everything had gone black.

There was no more Frank Iero.

My story is over.

Close this and ignore this.

Wasn’t this a fun adventure?


End file.
